Stark Reality

In this crazy business of fostering (and definitely in foster to adopt), there are no certainties.  Never beleive, for a second, anything is FOR SURE.  Not until the ink is dry on the decree.

I'm still trying to process what happened yesterday.  What was said.  I feel like I've shut down a bit because I don't want to believe it.

Little Man and I had our monthly meeting with his case manager.  I'll be honest, I've gotten a bit cocky about the future with Little Man.  We are set to go to termination and I've started making plans.  Which I know I should never ever do.

I was told yesterday that his case manager is recommending that Little Man and his siblings be sent home by the end of the year.

Nevermind that she is mentally not capable of supporting and challenging three kids.

Nevermind that she can't financially support herself, let alone another 3 children.

Nevermind that I have fallen so deeply in love with my Little Man that the thought of him going back to his mother has me gasping for breath and clutching my chest.

Yes, Mom had done everything the case manager has asked her to do.  But that still doesn't mean she will be a good mom for these three children.  And most specifically, for my Little Man.  She has her own mental illnesses and issues.  How is she going to stimulate my kiddo to make him try new things when she isn't willing to do that?  How is she going to teach him to read and write when she struggles to do that?  

I know I am supposed to be supportive of the birth family and reunification. I know that I should be willing to let him go back to his birth mother.  I know nothing is certain in this situation. I know this is part of the fostering life that I was told to prepare for

I know all of that but still can't face the truth that my Little Man may be leaving me.  I want to bury my head in the sand and never come back up.  I don't want to lose my Little Man, my bubby, my son.