Fostering The Love In Kansas

This is going to be a long one so settle in with a cup of coffee or something... With every stress comes relief, in some way or another. I'm feeling some relief after the last week. Over 60 days ago, Little Man was put up on my agencies adoption website.  The reason this happens is that he's part of a sibling set.  He's been placed with me for over 3 years and separate from his siblings that whole time.  There were MANY reasons for that but also many reasons why they shouldn't be together and were kept apart. Our state prefers children be kept together.  To the point of removing kids from families that they have been with for years and are more than willing to adopt. Which is what could happen in our case. So they have to advertise the siblings on the website in the hopes that a family (2 parent) will take all 3. September 24th was the last day of Little Man being on the adoption website for 60 days.  I woke up every day with a reminder on my phone how m...

It's definitely not the time to start celebrating but things are starting to wind down in the case of Little Man.  His dad relinquished his rights several weeks ago.  I'm both happy and sad about this. Sad because he didn't even try to work the case.  He didn't ask to be in contact in the future. He just walked away.  He genuinely showed no interest in his kids. But I also see the happiness in this because IF he hadn't, we would have had the case drug out for another year.  Little Man would have so much more trauma around his father.  There would have been more behaviors and therapy needed.  I also see that his father knew he could never provide for the three kids.  He has 3 felonies, he was getting clean, and he was in a treatment facility.  He recognized that it was in the kids best interest.  So I respect that. Little Man's mom is refusing to relinquish.  She wants the court to work for the removal of her rights. ...

Back in October, the permanency hearing was continued another 90 days.  Mostly, because I believe that the agency wanted to give bio mom a chance to get more visits in.   We now have visit's every Saturday.    Some I have to take him to the visit. Meaning, I drive an hour, sit for 6 hours, and then drive an hour home. But the real bummer is that I'm being told that at the hearing in January, it will probably be determined that Little Man will go home.  His GAL completely changed his decision and stated that mom was doing everything asked of her so he was OK with it.  The lawyers are all saying the same thing. The thing is....there is no bond between his mom and him.  I've actually seen her with him.  She will walk the other two to their car and hug and kiss them but doesn't do the same to my guy.  And he sees me at his mom.  She is his siblings mom.  He has been able to articulate that to me.  I'm his mommy.....that's E and...

For the last year, I have been engaged in this battle with the foster system, with social workers, with bio parent, and with the courts.  I currently am battled out.  I don't want to fight anymore. I just want them to see how wonderful Little Man is and how much better off he is with me. This is neither appropriate nor what may be the truth.  Maybe he is better off with his bio mother.  Everyone deserves a second chance. But my gut is telling me differently and my heart is hurting. Court was on Tuesday and it has been pretty unanimously decided that Little Man will be going home.  While they gave mom 90 days extension, visits will be ramping up and overnights will start.  He is going home to his bio mother. I have 90 days to make him remember how smart he is, how brave he is and how much worth he has. The GAL lied to me and said he was still against it but stood up in court and said that Mom has done everything asked of her and he has no issues w...

Yesterday was court for Little Man. And it was a permanency hearing so I honestly thought we would be moving forward.  Instead....the unthinkable happened. First, I was made to leave the court room because his bio mom's lawyer said I had no right to be there. Then, it when on for over 30 minutes when it has never gone on that long. And the GAL wouldn't tell me much other than we go back in October but that it didn't go well. So, here is what I know.  Mom adamantly denies drinking during any of her pregnancies and demanded to call the doctor that diagnosed 2 of her 3 kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrom (Little Man is in the process of being diagnosed and even his case manager says "he, definitely, has it"). So the judge has required that mom be allowed to call the doctor and talk to them about it. What wasn't said but is implied is that after October 4th, there is no reason to not send Little Man and his siblings home to her. As a matter of fact, all visits a...

Hope is such a slippery slope.  On the one hand, you want that hope. You need to cling to the hope because otherwise, what's the point. But on the other hand, to have that hope is to live in a world of unknown and fear.  That's the world I'm living in now. My Little Man's siblings are living with kin.  The cousins of their father. My Little Man's father. These kin are big scary monsters to me because I envision them abusing my Little Man. These were the people I sent him to in November for a few hours to visit his siblings and he came back with signs of sexual abuse.  I didn't want to think it was his siblings that may have done that to him. I wanted to believe the monsters were adults. But I digress....the reason I mention the cousins is because they reached out to me a few weeks ago to discuss the case. I'll be honest, I've been living in denial for a long time after the visit from his case workers in June. This impending doom that he's poten...

Over Christmas break, I got a call from KU Med Center Childhood Development.  We had an appointment set for March but over break, I got a call that there had been a cancelation and could we come in.  YES!!! So, of course, the day of our appointment was a huge snow storm.  KU Med is an hour away on a good day.  This day, it took us over two hours. And I was totally stressed out. What happened was a total of an hour where they asked me about Little Man and "observed" him.  What I was expecting, was to have something definitive or something I can now assign to him. What I got was that he is NOT autistic.  He's social.  That's what ruled it out.  He makes eye contact, he talks to people, he loves people.  That is what ruled it out, the only thing that ruled it out. I guess, in order to be diagnosed with autism, you have to fill all three criteria.  I don't know what the three criteria are other than the social one. I'm kind of unhapp...

What they don't tell you or train you for in foster care, is the sheer exhaustion you're going to feel not only mentally and physically but emotionally. For those that are doing this with a spouse or significant other, I can't imagine the strain that it takes on a relationship.  For myself, being a single foster parent, I'm constantly tired. There's only so much that I can ask friends and family to do and I feel guilty even asking what I do. I know that this was my choice, my choice to take on a child at the age of 40. Never mind the fact that taking on a foster child comes with its own issues.   The amount of time it takes to win a child over in the foster care system is enormous but also completely dependent on the child The days where my patience is so thin that I'm nailbiting my way just to get to the end of the day are getting more and more. I don't know if it's because I'm just tired and it's taking its toll or because it's just pil...

While I'm going to go over our day, the last bit of our day is what I am on cloud 9 with.  As I've said before, being a foster parent means that I have to be run through the wringer at least once a month.  Today was a day of meetings, walk throughs and appointments. Little Man woke up in a good mood and was in an even better mood that he didn't have to go to school.  What started as a good mood morphed into an amped up 5-year-old. When Little Man has an audience, he definitely likes to put on a show and today he had a massive audience. The morning started with not one, not two but three women in our home checking on him.  His caseworker, my caseworker and his therapist.  These monthly visits consist of him showing them all his toys, his bedroom and sometimes his underwear. What it's supposed to consist of, is to make sure he is safe (checking that my medicines are locked up, there are no knives in his bed, and he isn't living in the shed in the backyard)...