Fostering The Love In Kansas

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 575 days (roughly 19 months): Boys bring farts, boogers, and indescribable smells. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I've decided I'm a boy mom. I used to shy away from being called a mom because I didn't feel like a true mom. And while that still nags at the back of my mind, I am a mom to this boy who won't stop calling me mom! I don't remember a time where I wasn't thinking about Little Man. His smells (when he's clean he smells like maple syrup), the sound of his laugh, the way he walks, and the way he snuggles with me every morning. I have come to realize that I NEED to be a mother. I cannot be childless in the future. My overprotectiveness of Little Man MAY be a tad overbearing and I need to let him make mistakes. In other words, I need to learn to chill out on these kindergarten girls that think they know my kiddo and can boss him around.

I have been a foster parent to Little Man for one year today.  Here is what I have learned being a foster parent for 365 days. 1. This will never get easier but it is worth it. 2. Life changes when you assume it's going to be just you and this other little person. Enjoy it and embrace it. Because I need others and change is good. And having someone looking after me is kind of nice. 3. Denial is how I am operating now but I also know that I need to face the chances of Little Man going back to his bio mother.  So I know I need help, professionally.  Getting someone to talk with and work through issues is important to my mental well-being. I shouldn't count on things just "working out" nor should I depend on my friends and family getting me through things. 4. Changes in Little Man come and go but when there are changes, they are HUGE.  The amount of vocabulary he has now, compared to a year ago (or even a month ago) is astounding.  His need to know things g...

Here is what I have learned after being a foster parent for 210 days: 1. To see the change in Little Man, it truly is amazing how much he has grown: physically, emotionally and intellectually. 2. The struggles we seemed to have in the past make me laugh.  The struggles we have now seem so minor and petty.  I find my anger dimming and my ability to breathe through it, much easier. 3. Apparently Little Man has decided to go through the terrible 2's, horrible 3's and surly pre-teens in the last month. I get asked "why?" EVERY.GD.TIME I ask him to do something.  Or I get him dragging his feet if I make him move to a different location than he thinks he needs to be at.  And if that little a-hole didn't roll his eyes at me the other day, it was only because he doesn't have that kind of coordination yet. 4. Little Man has started talking.  Like real conversations.   He told me exactly what he wanted to eat - which he's never done. Just came up to me a...

Today I celebrate having Little Man for 90 days.  In those short amount of days, I have learned this: 1. In the past, I would have argued you can't fall in love with someone that quickly.  How wrong I am. You can give someone your heart in a relatively short amount of time. 2. Sometimes, not knowing how to deal with behaviors means you're open to advice, opinions and trying unorthodox things. 3. Real fear is when your child is hurting and you can do nothing about it. 4. When I am told that the chances of Little Man going back to his mother are ZERO, my heart overflows, and my hope is reignited that this little man is going to be mine. I just need to be patient. 5. Christmas is a foreign concept to Little Man (as was Halloween and Thanksgiving), but I am thoroughly enjoying seeing holidays through his eyes. Little Man is getting more and more comfortable with me, his home, his doggie and his family.  He loves his Amee and Papa.  He loves his Fi.  He l...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 56 days (8 weeks!!!): 1. While I don't subscribe to the gender roles necessarily, Little Man is a boy through and through. He wants to be dirty, he wants to make lots of noise, and he really has zero issue with putting his fingers in his nose. He's gross and dirty and smelly (oh lord the smells). 2. I struggle with calling myself a Mom and Little Man my son. But the more mom's I talk to make me realize that just becaus e I didn't pop him out doesn't mean I'm not a mom. 3. I found myself standing around last week with a group of mom's and I was a part of this group. I could exchange stories and ask for advice. I'm trying to not cry about this but I have wanted to be a mom for awhile and I am...I'm Little Man's mommy. Thank you, ladies, for that.  4. While I thought it was pretty awesome that he calls me mommy...the best thing was when he told me he loved me without prompting...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 35 days: 1. It actually may be cheaper to buy a cow. 2. While there are services available for parents that have children with special needs, it will require so many forms, hoops jumped through and blood/sweat/tears that it can be discouraging. 3. Cartoons that Little Man likes are not intellectually stimulating for adults. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I hate Barney, Bonnie Bear and those damn crayons that never speak (I've blocked the name out of fear). 4. What scared me 2/3/4 weeks ago no longer does (i.e. haircuts, dentist and more doctor's appointments) 5. The saying "It takes a village" could not be more accurate. It is not just Little Man and me. There are so many of you involved in this young person's life. I hope he someday realizes how much he is loved and supported. And I hope you all know how much I appreciate all of your advice (truly!!) and support.

I have been a foster mom for 23 days.  Those 23 days have been good, bad and some have been really ugly. Some of the good ones were days where Little Man and I did absolutely nothing but just be with each other and giggle and explore our connection. Some of the bad days were because he was angry or sad or just plain scared and didn't know how to deal with those emotions so he acted out. The really ugly ones haven't been about him at all.  Rather, it's about how the system is ugly and cruel and not put in place for the betterment of the child. Today I was told that he will most likely be removed.  Not because he hasn't flourished, built relationships and started healing.  But because the family that they will place him with are kin and so won't be paid the daily rate from DCF. While I knew the chances of him going back to his family where high and I knew that I needed to prepare myself.  What I wasn't prepared for was that the system put in place to ens...

9/21/2015 Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 3 weeks. 1. Bribery and manipulation are still the only currency that works with Little Man. 2. Poop and pee are still funny at 41 years old. 3. Disguising the same food in other forms is key to getting a picky eater to eat. 4. Learning to pick your battles is key in keeping your sanity. 5. Some people are worth fighting for even having only known them 3 weeks. Little Man and I took a walk after dinner (which was just reheated rice and hamburger but I put some sauce on and he shoveled it in like he hadn't eaten for 3 days). Normally, walks are no issue and they really wear him down but my knee is getting so bad that I'm popping anti-inflammatories and pain pills on the regular.  Luckily, I have surgery scheduled next week to remove the meniscus and cartilage in my knee.  I'll be down for a bit but will be better equipped to keep up with him after that (hopefully).  Because this boy wants t...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 20 days: 1. Do NOT startle your naked toddler...there will be pee 2. Pancakes for dinner makes me awesome apparently 3. Home visits from the foster system suck big ass! 4. Just sitting there listening to him play is entertainment you can't buy. 5. You can do the Topeka zoo in about 35 minutes and still see just about everything. My ass is huge

9/15/2015 Not sure if he was truly sick but around 10:30 pm last night, Little Man woke up vomiting. If this was because of the Vegetable Monster , I am going to feel terrible.  He had a slight temp and threw up a few more times but seemed his usual self.  I finally got him back to sleep and less smelly around 12:30 am.  Of course, it also means I can't take him to daycare in the morning.  So today was a home day. We managed to do some chores around the house.  Did I mention I started a chore chart for Little Man?  At his age and "level", I only have him taking his laundry from his basket to the machine on Sunday's.  On Monday's he helps me take the trash out and put the big can by the alley for pick up on Tuesday.  And on Thursday's he has to help me do a small sink of dishes.   So far, he's done really well.  I think it's because he really likes putting the stickers on the days he does the chores. We also put a small sticker on t...

9/14/2015 So Little Man is a picky eater.  I mean PICKY!  I have tried a lot of different dishes but have really only nailed down one or two only to try them again and he turns his nose up at them. Today, we tried baby carrots and a few slices of cucumber.  Or at least that is what we started with.  On his main plate, I made elbow mac, Ragu, and meat.  It was so gross and bland, but he loved it.  He totally refused to eat any veggies so I asked him to eat at least 4 pieces of carrot (a total of 2 full baby carrots) and a 1/4 of a slice of cucumber. This was the beginning of the end.  It's not like I shoved it down his throat but....After ONE LITTLE NIBBLE: I'm trying to not laugh at this point, but he nibbled....nibbled and started gagging. I am no longer laughing..... Obviously a bath was had immediately and he was fine afterwards but dang, I felt like poop. So now I have to find ways to get veggies in his...

9/14/2015 Here is what I have learned being a foster mom for 2 weeks: 1. The battle to make a little one eat a vegetable ended with vomit.   Little Man - 1 Mom - 0 2. Someone has a sense of humor because I'm a pretty picky eater and Little Man is WORSE. 3. Time outs are a life saver, if even for those 3 minutes.   It helps both of us collect ourselves. 4. To be effective, I have begun telling myself that while I love this little man, it is a job.   Because, my heart is already humming along to him calling me mommy. 5. Two weeks are truly enough time to make a child forget some things and remember how wonderful he is.

9/12/2015 Here is what I've learned in 12 days of being a foster mom: 1. Love means ordering chicken and green beans and all I get are green beans. 2. Pushing your toddler to the edge of madness gives me an hour of quiet time as he passes out from exhaustion on the drive home. 3. IKEA is more fun with a toddler. 4. When he trusts you enough to let you wash his hair, celebrate. 5. Knowing full well, I'm getting more out of the Disney channel on Pandora than he is. The other list item I neglected to add was that he sat on the potty.  While he really didn't do anything, he was willing.  We celebrated with a dance and a laugh.  And I may have taken a few pictures and sent them out to about 20 people.  He looked so proud of himself.  Again, it takes a village. 

9/12/2015 Today was heartbreaking for not only Little Man but also my Dad.  My mom and dad had been planning a trip to Ireland and Scotland for months (really years) and when Little Man came into our lives, my dad had serious thoughts about being away from him for 10 days.  I honestly don't know who was the saddest about it. Little Man and I drove Pa Pa and Amee to Kansas City to hop a flight.  Before though, we decided to grab lunch.  While the three adults loved the salads and stuff at Sweet Tomato, my picky eater was having none of it.  Of course, this didn't stop the grandparents from loading up his plate because he says YES to everything when they ask if he wants to try it.  I think he ate maybe a mouthful of something. I know he shoved a chocolate chip muffin down his gullet. But the proverbial icing on the cake was chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce and chocolate sprinkles. You could actually see him start to vibrate. Payback is having ...

9/11/2015 Now, I've mentioned that I don't have kids of my own and honestly, never thought I would.  So file this under text messages I never thought I'd send. The sheer joy and pride I had when I walked into his daycare and actually found him sitting on the potty AND had pooped?!?!?  It was insane.  I almost cried.  And I sent this text to like 20 people....who all then celebrated with me.  It takes a village.

9/9/2015 So, 30 hours of training do not truly prepare you to be a foster parent.  I had no idea that I had the opportunity to be a part of the case planning for the reunification of Little Man and his family.  I got a letter in the mail, telling me time and date.  Now I did not have to attend.  But I wanted to see HER face.  I wanted to hear HER talk. I wanted HER to see me.  If someone had my kid, I would want to see them and hear them talk and see my face. I drove an hour for the meeting.  While this was not a big deal for me, it did require that I leave work around noon. I won't go into detail, my thoughts on HER.  None of that matters and is highly steeped in bias. What I will talk to you about is how helpless I felt and how I feel that the system is not there for the children.  I have expressed some concerns about how Little Man's behavior is, how he has physical issues, and possible further abuse not discussed before.  His...