Fostering The Love In Kansas

This blog post started a lot differently a few days ago. I had some hope that I was going to be making a decision not based on emotion but rather one based on facts only.  But after the last few days, I know that my decision has been based on both emotions and facts. But mostly, it has shown me that my gut needs to be listened to. Lately, it has been hard.  Hell, the last couple of months have been hard.  And it's not because of any one thing.  The biggest thing is that I haven't been able to work a full week of work for MONTHS because of Little Man. Between his therapies, school, and appointments.  But the biggest is the amount of mental strain I've been feeling with him and school. Monday I pulled Little Man from school.  I will not be sending him back. This has been building and building.  Jay and I have talked about what Little Man's future will look like - education-wise - once his adoption is finalized and we've always leaned toward...

Part of being a foster parent is knowing that the kids that come into our homes have a base level of trauma.  That's just, out of the gate, trauma due to removal.  But then there comes the trauma with the background a lot of the kids come from.  The domestic violence, substance abuse, neglect, etc - it all causes trauma.  We're warned about this trauma but I know in my case, I was never trained for trauma.  I was never trained for the heartbreak that comes with loving a child with trauma. I was never trained to find the help my kiddos need.  I was never trained on how to parent a child with special needs. I never knew this was what I was signing up for. But the damage is done. I have a child with special needs.  And the damage is already done to him.  The more I learn about him and his disabilities, the more I know I was put in his path so we both would find what we needed. The damage done to my Little Man is not repairable.  These last...

This morning started off just like any other day.  I woke up, I got the boys up, I started the process of getting everyone ready and out the door.  Nothing different.  Except Little Man decided to pee on the couch instead of getting up and going to the bathroom. Not the end of the world. It happens to the best of us but this morning it just set off a chain of events in my head that resulted in me putting myself in timeout.  I sent myself to my room, closed the door, and cried a little. After he peed, instead of asking the "why" because I knew the answer would be "I don't know", I sent him to the bathroom and sprayed the couch down.  This isn't the first time someone has peed on the couch. Diapers/pull-ups leak, no one's fault. But this morning, Little Man had already taken his pull-up off and just chose to not get back up and go pee. I gently reminded him he needs to use the toilet and not just pee. I could see him starting to shut down so I left a...

1,200 days... 28,800 hours... 1,728,000 minutes... That is how long Little Man has been in my life.  And my life has changed in more than 2 million ways. That's 1,200 days that his life has been in my hands and honestly, mine has been in his.  In those 1,200 days here is what I have learned about being a mom. 1. I am no longer calling myself his "foster" mom but rather just mom and that has been the most emotional change in my life.  I see myself as his mom, he is my son. 2.  The amount of times people have told me how much they are amazed of the changes in Little Man in even the last 6 months proves that we are doing something right, even when it's exhausting, repetitive, and doesn't seem to be working. 3. The village needs to get bigger. In order to provide more support to myself, Jay, and to Little Man, I need to ask for more help. I have done a disservice to Little Man and others by sheltering him and others from his differences and because of that...

Celebrating Thanksgiving is always the time to reflect on all the things in our lives we're grateful for. Being a parent, there is always something we're grateful for. Our kids, their health, our health(ish), the love we have in our lives. But what I never thought about being grateful for was the "YES". I've always been someone that makes changes quickly. I make decisions quickly and sometimes even without much thought. But when it comes to big, life-changing, decisions I agonize over them, ask everyone their opinion, agonize some more, etc. But ultimately, I already knew what the answer was - deep down in my gut. The idea to start fostering came to me one day and it wasn't even discussed with anyone. I reached out to our local agency and asked for information. I said YES the minute they asked if I wanted to attend classes. No hesitation. When I started fostering, my plan was always to get an older child. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want diaper...

As Little Man has gotten older, his personality has developed but so has his differences. I don't even know how to explain Little Man to some people so I gave him a label early on. Autism...he's autistic...please be kind to him, he is autistic. It was easier to explain.  And while it wasn't official, it was still a way to explain him to people.  Because I felt like I had to explain him...prepare people for him. It is also used as a warning and I hated that. No one should be warned about Little Man. He doesn't need a warning label but in reality, he does. It helps people feel more comfortable around him because he is different. He makes noises or says things that are different and make people uncomfortable. He repeats things and often times doesn't acknowledge anyone else - he lives in his own world. A few weeks ago we started the process of getting an official autism diagnosis. It's not something I need to know but it is needed for him and his future.  His...

Approval is a funny thing.  I don't want to think I need anyone's approval to live my life but in the foster world, approval is everything. And in adoption, there are so many things that require approval that day to day life is never normal. Approval for taking him out of state, approval to enroll him in sports, approval to get him on meds. In adoption, approval is everything.  We have to do a home study, negotiate subsidies, get approval and then start legal proceedings. In my state, adoptive resources have to go through a BIS (Best Interest Staffing) with the agency and DCF in order to be approved to adopt the child.  They look over the facts of the case, the length of time the child has been in placement, the needs of the child, and the overall stability of the adoptive resource. Today I was informed today that I was approved to adopt Little Man.  Little Man is going to be mine. We are getting closer and closer...

Today kicks off the beginning of my home study. I am both excited and terrified. Terrified because I really don't know what to expect but also because it's getting real. Don't get me wrong, this is what I want. It's always been my hope to adopt from foster care.  Little Man is my everything.  Mr. T is my bonus child that I never thought I'd have but have been incredibly blessed to get. I want this. But it's getting real. I won't have a semi-safety net to cover me if something happens. It's going to be on me. This is absolutely what I want.  But the brevity of the situation is what keeps me up at night. The biggest question I was asked and I was not prepared for is: "who will Little Man go to if something happens to you?" Who will take Little Man if I die?  What a huge question.  And I have no answer to that. I mean, there are so many people that have followed our journey and have been supportive but can I ask any of them to take on...

This is going to be a long one so settle in with a cup of coffee or something... With every stress comes relief, in some way or another. I'm feeling some relief after the last week. Over 60 days ago, Little Man was put up on my agencies adoption website.  The reason this happens is that he's part of a sibling set.  He's been placed with me for over 3 years and separate from his siblings that whole time.  There were MANY reasons for that but also many reasons why they shouldn't be together and were kept apart. Our state prefers children be kept together.  To the point of removing kids from families that they have been with for years and are more than willing to adopt. Which is what could happen in our case. So they have to advertise the siblings on the website in the hopes that a family (2 parent) will take all 3. September 24th was the last day of Little Man being on the adoption website for 60 days.  I woke up every day with a reminder on my phone how m...

I think I've said it before but I am not a patient person.  And the waiting is honestly killing me.  To make things worse, doubt enters my mind all the time and it sits heavy on me. There are 19 days left to wait while Little Man is listed on a website with his siblings.  After that, the adoption process starts.  I have been filling out paperwork and sending in and they have been processing so I know that the clock doesn't actually start after the next 19 days.  But we're still looking at probably 10-12 months before it's all done.   I know I need to be patient but my overthinking mind gets the best of me and I start worrying.  What if I'm not approved?  What if someone else steps up and wants him?  What if family finally decides (after 3 years) they want him? And then today...I find out that Mr. T is going to adoption also.  So all the paperwork I'm doing for Little Man will cover Mr. T.  In the next 10-12 mon...

3 years ago today, you were brought to my house. You were so tiny. You didn’t talk and you were so scared.  Your diaper was so full, it was running down your legs.  You screamed bloody murder when I tried to put you in a bath.  You were 5.  __________________________________ You are now 8. You are so smart. You love to play on your iPad. You love your grandparents and I suspect you love Mr. T. You love Hotwheels, Nutty Buddy's, and still love letters. You are taking baths on your own and I can't keep you out of the water. You have learned so much and are reading 2 levels above where you should be. ______________________________________ Even before you got out of the car, I knew you. I knew I was going to love you so much.  What I didn’t know was how much I was willing to sacrifice. How much I still had to learn about strength. And how much my capacity to love a person hadn’t even scratched the surface.  Thank you for making...

Mr. T has been with us a year now.   I can't even begin to tell you how much he has grown in that time.  How much we have all grown in this year. Little Man has had some growing pains with having to learn to share, be kind and set a good example.  But I've noticed lately that the way he interacts with Mr. T has changed and it's been such a wonderful sight to see (and hear). Mr. T has grown by learning to use words, walking, showing us how to laugh at everything, and being a complete joy to watch interact with the world.  We're working on potty training and speech.   I will admit that I really held myself back from fully falling for him. I truly believe that reunification, when appropriate, works.  And I had a lot of hope that he would go home.  His momma truly does love him.  She just struggles to get her life in a place where the two of them (and even all the other children she has had removed) with her. ...

So, I'm just going to come right out and say this...I have the patience of a tea bag.  I never have been patient. I have a lot of other skills, patience is not one of them. Now that Little Man's parents have relinquished, I want everything to move at light speed.  Where is my home study packet?  Who is his adoption worker?  When can we get this ball rolling? I need to find the calm in this and remember every moment of it but I can't. I want out...I want to be done with fostering. I've become so jaded lately with the system. I know I shouldn't be. I should be patient and let things work themselves out but I'm totally and officially over it. I want Mr. T's case to be done and over with. I want to move on and not have a life where I am constantly having to leave work because social workers are coming to the house, or I have to run to visits or court. I honestly went into fostering thinking I was going to do this for the rest of my life. I wanted ...

So it's been 913 days with Little Man.  328 days of those with Mr. T....and while things are definitely WAY better than they had been in the first 9 months, there are still so many new things that have cropped up in our world. Little Man has had some major behaviors crop up since school started. It's honestly to the point where the school has started calling me almost daily.  He's destroyed classrooms.  He is hurting other kids and sometimes even teachers. I had hoped it was just aggression towards Mr. T (not that I want that either) but now it's taken a turn to being angry about everything.  As the school year has gone on, he's getting more and more behaviors.  I know part of it is starting therapy back up and I truly believe he is reliving things and remembering things that he may not have previously.  He has a lot of anger and confusion. He doesn't understand how to handle those emotions. No one understands how to handle him.  Me included. But...

I got a call on Monday that Little Man's mom had relinquished rights.  Just. Like. That.   We were going to TPR next week.  She had been saying for a year that she would never relinquish - they were going to have to pry those kids out of her hands through trial.  And she relinquished.  I was stunned.  Because mom has always stuck to her guns and been stubborn about things. I did not expect this.  I sat on that news for about 5 seconds and then started calling anyone and everyone. We are moving to adoption .... I lived in this blissful world where adoption is within my grasp for about 2 hours....and then my worker called me and informed me of all the hoops she feels I'm going to have to jump through as a way to prepare me. Siblings, in our state, are very hard to split through adoption.  My agency is already putting in a request to find an adoptive resource for all three.  So they won't have to split them.  Nevermind th...

It's definitely not the time to start celebrating but things are starting to wind down in the case of Little Man.  His dad relinquished his rights several weeks ago.  I'm both happy and sad about this. Sad because he didn't even try to work the case.  He didn't ask to be in contact in the future. He just walked away.  He genuinely showed no interest in his kids. But I also see the happiness in this because IF he hadn't, we would have had the case drug out for another year.  Little Man would have so much more trauma around his father.  There would have been more behaviors and therapy needed.  I also see that his father knew he could never provide for the three kids.  He has 3 felonies, he was getting clean, and he was in a treatment facility.  He recognized that it was in the kids best interest.  So I respect that. Little Man's mom is refusing to relinquish.  She wants the court to work for the removal of her rights. ...

Not really but I'm beginning to believe that I'm Chicken Little.  Today is court for Little Man.  We were just at court 3 weeks ago.  The reason we have it again, so soon, is because the parents are supposed to relinquish rights today. I've heard this before.  We've started termination trails twice.  I've had my emotions tossed around.  But I really am tired. I want this to be over. I think we've all come to the conclusion he won't be going back ever.  So, it's not even the thought of that that keeps me awake and emotional.  Today it's just the unknown. But today could make such a difference for us.  Today, we could start a new journey towards adoption. I'm both excited and scared. Excited because I hate this system and I'm ready to be done.  But I'm scared because it'll be done and it'll be just me and him.  And what if I mess him up, what if I hurt him worse, what if I make it worse?  I know I couldn't possibly b...

When you have bio children, if one falls and hurts themselves, you kiss their boo boo and go on with your day. In foster care, we have so many regulations and people watching us.  There are so many things we have to document, we have to share, we have to watch. Even before 8 am today, first blood was drawn.  Mr. T slipped and fell face first.  Busting his lip from the inside.  Mouth full of blood and lots of tears. This has become a very frequent occurrence with Mr. T as he is learning to walk and run and just be a boy. Normal parents wouldn't have a huge amount of anxiety around this type of accident.  But with foster parents, there is documentation, fear of investigation, and even as far as fear of having kids removed. Mr. T was removed from a foster home due to excessive critical incidents before being placed with me and so I have more anxiety than normal due to this.  I probably watch him much closer than I do Little Man.  And I watch Littl...

Today marks me being a foster parent to my Little Man for 2 years. It's hard to believe it's only been 2 years but then also that there is still so much ahead of us. Here is what I have learned being a foster mom for 2 years: 1. The label "mom" was a hard one for me to wear in the beginning because, in my head, I am not a real mom.  But after 2 years, I am Mom.  I wear that label proud.  I announce my label to anyone who listens.  I've worked really hard to have this relationship with Little Man and I am proud of it. I'm thankful that I have been given this opportunity to become the mother I wanted to be; all because of him. 2. Growth is a constant theme for us.  Not only is he growing physically, but his speech, reading, and writing are leaps and bound better than where he was a year ago.  His personality and sense of humor is growing.  And his sense of self is too.  The growth I see in him is amazing. My Little Man 3. I am not pre...

So, I have always wanted a big family.  The idea of gobs of kids running around and being noisy and dirty has never repulsed me.  I love the idea of taking care of people and especially MY people. My heart actually warms with the thought of big family dinners, noise, mess, and just love.  I wanted to be the mother that everyone came over to our house because they would be loved, listened to, and fed.  I wanted my kids to be proud of me as their mother and excited to visit with their families. When I went through the infertility treatments, the thought that I could have multiples with a pregnancy never scared me either because it's my family in one big push.  When that didn't happen, I figured fostering was going to feed that need to feed, love, and (s)mother kids. And it has happened.  I love having two boys.  I love having three bonus kids with the manfriend.  I love working with him and his two teens because I can (s)mother the heck out of t...