Fostering The Love In Kansas

This morning started off just like any other day.  I woke up, I got the boys up, I started the process of getting everyone ready and out the door.  Nothing different.  Except Little Man decided to pee on the couch instead of getting up and going to the bathroom. Not the end of the world. It happens to the best of us but this morning it just set off a chain of events in my head that resulted in me putting myself in timeout.  I sent myself to my room, closed the door, and cried a little. After he peed, instead of asking the "why" because I knew the answer would be "I don't know", I sent him to the bathroom and sprayed the couch down.  This isn't the first time someone has peed on the couch. Diapers/pull-ups leak, no one's fault. But this morning, Little Man had already taken his pull-up off and just chose to not get back up and go pee. I gently reminded him he needs to use the toilet and not just pee. I could see him starting to shut down so I left a...

1,200 days... 28,800 hours... 1,728,000 minutes... That is how long Little Man has been in my life.  And my life has changed in more than 2 million ways. That's 1,200 days that his life has been in my hands and honestly, mine has been in his.  In those 1,200 days here is what I have learned about being a mom. 1. I am no longer calling myself his "foster" mom but rather just mom and that has been the most emotional change in my life.  I see myself as his mom, he is my son. 2.  The amount of times people have told me how much they are amazed of the changes in Little Man in even the last 6 months proves that we are doing something right, even when it's exhausting, repetitive, and doesn't seem to be working. 3. The village needs to get bigger. In order to provide more support to myself, Jay, and to Little Man, I need to ask for more help. I have done a disservice to Little Man and others by sheltering him and others from his differences and because of that...

I think I've said it before but I am not a patient person.  And the waiting is honestly killing me.  To make things worse, doubt enters my mind all the time and it sits heavy on me. There are 19 days left to wait while Little Man is listed on a website with his siblings.  After that, the adoption process starts.  I have been filling out paperwork and sending in and they have been processing so I know that the clock doesn't actually start after the next 19 days.  But we're still looking at probably 10-12 months before it's all done.   I know I need to be patient but my overthinking mind gets the best of me and I start worrying.  What if I'm not approved?  What if someone else steps up and wants him?  What if family finally decides (after 3 years) they want him? And then today...I find out that Mr. T is going to adoption also.  So all the paperwork I'm doing for Little Man will cover Mr. T.  In the next 10-12 mon...

So it's been 913 days with Little Man.  328 days of those with Mr. T....and while things are definitely WAY better than they had been in the first 9 months, there are still so many new things that have cropped up in our world. Little Man has had some major behaviors crop up since school started. It's honestly to the point where the school has started calling me almost daily.  He's destroyed classrooms.  He is hurting other kids and sometimes even teachers. I had hoped it was just aggression towards Mr. T (not that I want that either) but now it's taken a turn to being angry about everything.  As the school year has gone on, he's getting more and more behaviors.  I know part of it is starting therapy back up and I truly believe he is reliving things and remembering things that he may not have previously.  He has a lot of anger and confusion. He doesn't understand how to handle those emotions. No one understands how to handle him.  Me included. But...

I saw his diagnosis instead of his face today I saw the way that he couldn't focus, I saw the way that he was out of control, I saw how he flitted from subject to subject. I didn't see my handsome little man. I didn't see the way he saw things in a light that I will never see them. I didn't see his laughter, his joy, his happiness. I saw him being a nuisance. I saw him making a spectacle of himself. I saw the embarrassment that other had for us. I'm tired. Not 'give up' tired. But definitely discouraged tired. It's a lot to deal with, on top of the foster system, working 40+ hours, maintaining a semblance of a romantic relationship and friendships (and probably failing), extra-curricular activities, and a side business. I'm failing....and hard. Even having a night to be an adult doesn't cure this exhaustion. Sleep doesn't touch it.  And yes, I know I asked to do this. This was my choice and I get that, others don't see why this shou...