Fostering The Love In Kansas

This morning started off just like any other day.  I woke up, I got the boys up, I started the process of getting everyone ready and out the door.  Nothing different.  Except Little Man decided to pee on the couch instead of getting up and going to the bathroom. Not the end of the world. It happens to the best of us but this morning it just set off a chain of events in my head that resulted in me putting myself in timeout.  I sent myself to my room, closed the door, and cried a little. After he peed, instead of asking the "why" because I knew the answer would be "I don't know", I sent him to the bathroom and sprayed the couch down.  This isn't the first time someone has peed on the couch. Diapers/pull-ups leak, no one's fault. But this morning, Little Man had already taken his pull-up off and just chose to not get back up and go pee. I gently reminded him he needs to use the toilet and not just pee. I could see him starting to shut down so I left a...

I was 40 when I started this process. I turned 41 6 days after Little Man was dropped off at my door. This year, I turned 44 and let me tell you, being a mother to two young children in my 40’s is no joke. Parenting, in general, is hard. Parenting children while fostering is uber hard. Parenting and fostering small children in your 40’s takes a lot of determination, commitment, and ibuprofen. If I stay up past 10pm, I’m guaranteed a bad next day due to exhaustion. And in the last year, my body has decided that I need less and less sleep so my wake up times ranges from 3:30 am to 5:30 am. Incredibly rarely past 6:00 am. Add to that just the mental exhaustion from the ‘what ifs’ that come with parenting, add a layer of uncertainty with fostering, and then the needs of a kiddo with special needs and I’m an exhausted blob. Self-care is talked about a lot these days and I’d like to say I’m a big believer in it but my form of self-care waxes and wanes. Sometimes it’s turning off my l...

It's definitely not the time to start celebrating but things are starting to wind down in the case of Little Man.  His dad relinquished his rights several weeks ago.  I'm both happy and sad about this. Sad because he didn't even try to work the case.  He didn't ask to be in contact in the future. He just walked away.  He genuinely showed no interest in his kids. But I also see the happiness in this because IF he hadn't, we would have had the case drug out for another year.  Little Man would have so much more trauma around his father.  There would have been more behaviors and therapy needed.  I also see that his father knew he could never provide for the three kids.  He has 3 felonies, he was getting clean, and he was in a treatment facility.  He recognized that it was in the kids best interest.  So I respect that. Little Man's mom is refusing to relinquish.  She wants the court to work for the removal of her rights. ...

So, I have always wanted a big family.  The idea of gobs of kids running around and being noisy and dirty has never repulsed me.  I love the idea of taking care of people and especially MY people. My heart actually warms with the thought of big family dinners, noise, mess, and just love.  I wanted to be the mother that everyone came over to our house because they would be loved, listened to, and fed.  I wanted my kids to be proud of me as their mother and excited to visit with their families. When I went through the infertility treatments, the thought that I could have multiples with a pregnancy never scared me either because it's my family in one big push.  When that didn't happen, I figured fostering was going to feed that need to feed, love, and (s)mother kids. And it has happened.  I love having two boys.  I love having three bonus kids with the manfriend.  I love working with him and his two teens because I can (s)mother the heck out of t...

I've been sitting on this feeling for the last week. I didn't want to verbally vomit all over this blog with what happened last week because I was angry, sad, and downright beaten. What should be a countdown to termination has become something I had hoped wouldn't happen. First, I want to say that termination should never be celebrated.  It's a sad eventual outcome that is a blow to any family.  I know that in my instance, Little Man's mom has done all she can do and has come to realize that she just cannot provide for all of her children.  It's a sad time for everyone because she's losing all her kids.  She's losing that tie to her biological children. I am hoping that she will stay in Little Man's life, if not for her benefit, but for him. But that all changed last week when we went to pre-trial.  Dad showed up.  He had been released from jail in April.  Had been in prison the whole time Little Man has been in state custody.  He aband...

On the eve of the pretrial for Little Man's termination, I find myself sad and anxious. I'm sad because it's going to go to termination and Little Man's mother will be losing her 3 children.  This will have been going on for 23 1/2 months by the time the trial happens in August.  His mother has consistently been present but just not able to parent these three high needs kids.  She's been inconsistent with her skills and ability to adapt.  But she's still been here.  She didn't stop showing up (except a few times but no one can really blame her), she has tried. Little Man is going to lose his biological family.  The ties that bind them will be severed forever.  This doesn't mean that there will be no more contact, just that it won't be as consistent as it has been.  I'm sad because a mother is recognizing that she cannot provide and is willing to have someone else take on that burden.  I'm sad because Little Man is losing his other...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom to TWO kids for 7 days: 1. While sibling rivalry is normal, it is exhausting to have to juggle the time that Little Man needs (and is demanding right now) and helping Mr. T feel comfortable in his new home. I know these two are going to get along wonderfully in the future but right now I have to remind Little Man we can't leave Mr. T at the zoo, he absolutely has to come home with us. 2. I was excited to get a young child  until I remembered diapers. I realized it will be another year of diapers with Mr. T and that's depressing. 3. My house was small with just me and Aspen but manageable. It got a bit smaller with Little Man but still manageable. Got a bit cramped anytime Manfriend came over but tolerable. NOW, with two kids, two dogs, a hedgehog, a tarantula, and manfriend (and kids)....this house is too small. 4. It is so much fun to see Little Man move into a caretaker role with Mr. T. He wants to push the...

Back in October, the permanency hearing was continued another 90 days.  Mostly, because I believe that the agency wanted to give bio mom a chance to get more visits in.   We now have visit's every Saturday.    Some I have to take him to the visit. Meaning, I drive an hour, sit for 6 hours, and then drive an hour home. But the real bummer is that I'm being told that at the hearing in January, it will probably be determined that Little Man will go home.  His GAL completely changed his decision and stated that mom was doing everything asked of her so he was OK with it.  The lawyers are all saying the same thing. The thing is....there is no bond between his mom and him.  I've actually seen her with him.  She will walk the other two to their car and hug and kiss them but doesn't do the same to my guy.  And he sees me at his mom.  She is his siblings mom.  He has been able to articulate that to me.  I'm his mommy.....that's E and...

I saw his diagnosis instead of his face today I saw the way that he couldn't focus, I saw the way that he was out of control, I saw how he flitted from subject to subject. I didn't see my handsome little man. I didn't see the way he saw things in a light that I will never see them. I didn't see his laughter, his joy, his happiness. I saw him being a nuisance. I saw him making a spectacle of himself. I saw the embarrassment that other had for us. I'm tired. Not 'give up' tired. But definitely discouraged tired. It's a lot to deal with, on top of the foster system, working 40+ hours, maintaining a semblance of a romantic relationship and friendships (and probably failing), extra-curricular activities, and a side business. I'm failing....and hard. Even having a night to be an adult doesn't cure this exhaustion. Sleep doesn't touch it.  And yes, I know I asked to do this. This was my choice and I get that, others don't see why this shou...

I know that people always say that the 2nd day is always the worst after a workout and surgery, etc....well the 2nd day of kindergarten was the worst! This morning, we walked to school and I took him into the gym where breakfast is served.  He took his backpack off, got his milk and then proceeded to try to walk to the front of the line.  He was told to get in line a few times before he finally figured out what they wanted from him.  And when I started to leave I hear "No, Mommy...wait" and he looked so pathetic and sad. I said I had to go to work and that he needed to go to school and eat breakfast.  He kept calling after me "bye mommy" with those puppy dog eyes....he got me the first couple of times and I said bye back but then I realized he was stalling me so I just turned and left.  Man...he knows the buttons. When I got him from school, he was so excited to see me.  Yelled "Mommy" and ran towards me.  I'll admit, my heart leaped when he did ...

So, I've been sober for almost 8 years.  I have had my fair share of hangovers, believe you me...but I also knew how to deal with them. I had a routine down on how to combat them.  If I had drunk hard liquor, I knew to feed my hangover.  If it was wine, I would just make myself throw up.  But the biggest weapon in my arsenal when dealing with an alcoholic hangover was sleep. Lots and lots of glorious sleep. But these weekends with Little Man are giving me hangovers of a more draining and exhaustive type.  I mean, I kind of assumed we'd slow down on the amount of 'going' we did because we'd get a routine or run out of things to do or something. But we haven't and there doesn't seem to be a chance of slowing down any time soon. And I'm tired.  It's a deep exhaustion that I'm learning doesn't get touched by actual sleep. It's the exhaustion of recovering from one of his meltdowns, having to deal with the side effects of someone being s...

Anger does weird things to people.  I know when I'm angry I'm completely transparent with how I feel.  I am not able to keep my feelings off my face or out of my voice. And SOMETIMES, I'm able to stop myself from being so angry that I regret what I'll say or do. Little Man, though...he takes anger to another level. And it's not always the same.  Some days he just sits and ignores everything I say or ask.  He won't make eye contact but will make sure to keep an eye on me by looking at me sideways. Some days, he throws things, yells, kicks his toys. And some days he just shuts down.  Not even making sure I'm watching him. That I have his attention. Just checking out and not in the moment.  Those times scare me because of what it means.  What things he's seen. He doesn't do it as much with me anymore. And I'd like to think that's because he's starting to feel safe and secure. I have to forgive Little Man every time he breaks somethin...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 43 days (that's 6 weeks and a day): 1. Telling a child to stop picking their nose will increase the number of fingers up said nose. 2. As a foster parent, I am in the dark when it comes to what is happening outside of what Little Man and I have going on.  It's incredibly frightening to think that things are being decided without any input from me. 3. I have never known exhaustion like I know it now. 4. Getting enrolled in school is easy until you introduce foster care and IEP from a different county.  I'm not sure what's going to happen, but it's not cut and dry. 5. Halloween seems to be a foreign concept to Little Man, but we have a costume that I would not have picked out for him.  But he chose it so we are going as Mario. Now to explain trick-or-treating.

So I have been pretty quiet for the last few days because it's just been so NOT normal here. Whatever "normal" is for us, at least. I had knee surgery on Tuesday which is good because I was having a hard time keeping up with Little Man but on the flip side I definitely can't keep up with him right now.  My folks kept him for two nights and just generally entertained him most of the time. Fi showed up at 5:30 in the morning the day of surgery to be there when he woke up since I had to be at the hospital at 6 am and take him to daycare.  My church fed us for 6 days. I have had so many people helping that it truly is amazing because I would not have been able to do it without them. And as I reflect, I realize how much I have to be grateful for in my life. Today we went out to a pumpkin patch owned by a friend of mine.  She has been a "follower" on FB of Little Man and I and reached out to ask if he would like to come out.  While I don't think...

9/21/2015 Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 3 weeks. 1. Bribery and manipulation are still the only currency that works with Little Man. 2. Poop and pee are still funny at 41 years old. 3. Disguising the same food in other forms is key to getting a picky eater to eat. 4. Learning to pick your battles is key in keeping your sanity. 5. Some people are worth fighting for even having only known them 3 weeks. Little Man and I took a walk after dinner (which was just reheated rice and hamburger but I put some sauce on and he shoveled it in like he hadn't eaten for 3 days). Normally, walks are no issue and they really wear him down but my knee is getting so bad that I'm popping anti-inflammatories and pain pills on the regular.  Luckily, I have surgery scheduled next week to remove the meniscus and cartilage in my knee.  I'll be down for a bit but will be better equipped to keep up with him after that (hopefully).  Because this boy wants t...

So I'd like to say that I had a naked male in my house all weekend and we did wicked things but what I really mean is a toddler that somehow found new ways to exhaust me.... My 5-year-old came to me not potty trained.  Yes, 5-years-old....it has been a battle because he really likes wearing diapers.  And I believe that sitting on the toilet was used as punishment because he would scream bloody murder when I first asked him to sit on the potty. I don't think he is not intelligent enough to get on board with potty training, but I just think he's lazy and hasn't been truly motivated to use the toilet. I've read quite a few websites, magazine articles, and books and most of them say to take the diapers away along with the clothes and just let them learn to ask to use the potty. Meaning...you don't leave the house because your toddler is buck-ass naked. I'm serious...I had a naked 5-year-old running around my house like he had invented the concept of being na...

9/20/2015 I've really had to think hard about what to write about the first home visit.  I have a lot of thoughts going around in my head and I didn't want to verbally vomit all over this blog the day it happened so I've had some time to think about it. Friday the 18th Little Man's worker and my worker came to the house.  This will happen once a month until the end of god damn time. The point of this is to make sure I don't have him locked up or am using him to create couture clothing in a sweatshop.  Of course, while they were there he decides to have a complete meltdown and I had to put him in timeout. Little Man loves pretty girls.  Besides my friend Fi, he was flirting and hanging all over his worker. I think part of it is because she's there when there is visitation with his mom and siblings but also because he sees a pretty young girl (that's code for someone he can manipulate).  Well, apparently he tried to hit her when he took her into his ro...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 20 days: 1. Do NOT startle your naked toddler...there will be pee 2. Pancakes for dinner makes me awesome apparently 3. Home visits from the foster system suck big ass! 4. Just sitting there listening to him play is entertainment you can't buy. 5. You can do the Topeka zoo in about 35 minutes and still see just about everything. My ass is huge

9/16/2015 I am tired.... Like, so tired that I'm too tired to sleep, tired. I briefly considered letting Little Man just fend for himself and I lock myself in the bedroom with headphones and Xanax... I threw around the idea that I could drop him off at a friends house (or a neighbor) and leave for the evening... I even (not really) thought about a Benadryl and milk concoction. I ended up just feeding him, bathing him, playing with him and putting him to bed as normal. I yawned more, I forgot to buy a few things when we stopped at the store, I'm fairly certain I won't get a shower tonight but my Little Man knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is loved, fed and cared for.  And almost as if he knew it, he was wound up tight tonight and just wanted to wrestle, run and be loud. But my body is worn out, my brain is not firing and I'm missing things.  I stay up late to clean the house, wash the dishes, do work and generally do the things I don't want to do...