Fostering The Love In Kansas

1,200 days... 28,800 hours... 1,728,000 minutes... That is how long Little Man has been in my life.  And my life has changed in more than 2 million ways. That's 1,200 days that his life has been in my hands and honestly, mine has been in his.  In those 1,200 days here is what I have learned about being a mom. 1. I am no longer calling myself his "foster" mom but rather just mom and that has been the most emotional change in my life.  I see myself as his mom, he is my son. 2.  The amount of times people have told me how much they are amazed of the changes in Little Man in even the last 6 months proves that we are doing something right, even when it's exhausting, repetitive, and doesn't seem to be working. 3. The village needs to get bigger. In order to provide more support to myself, Jay, and to Little Man, I need to ask for more help. I have done a disservice to Little Man and others by sheltering him and others from his differences and because of that...

Celebrating Thanksgiving is always the time to reflect on all the things in our lives we're grateful for. Being a parent, there is always something we're grateful for. Our kids, their health, our health(ish), the love we have in our lives. But what I never thought about being grateful for was the "YES". I've always been someone that makes changes quickly. I make decisions quickly and sometimes even without much thought. But when it comes to big, life-changing, decisions I agonize over them, ask everyone their opinion, agonize some more, etc. But ultimately, I already knew what the answer was - deep down in my gut. The idea to start fostering came to me one day and it wasn't even discussed with anyone. I reached out to our local agency and asked for information. I said YES the minute they asked if I wanted to attend classes. No hesitation. When I started fostering, my plan was always to get an older child. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want diaper...

Approval is a funny thing.  I don't want to think I need anyone's approval to live my life but in the foster world, approval is everything. And in adoption, there are so many things that require approval that day to day life is never normal. Approval for taking him out of state, approval to enroll him in sports, approval to get him on meds. In adoption, approval is everything.  We have to do a home study, negotiate subsidies, get approval and then start legal proceedings. In my state, adoptive resources have to go through a BIS (Best Interest Staffing) with the agency and DCF in order to be approved to adopt the child.  They look over the facts of the case, the length of time the child has been in placement, the needs of the child, and the overall stability of the adoptive resource. Today I was informed today that I was approved to adopt Little Man.  Little Man is going to be mine. We are getting closer and closer...

Today kicks off the beginning of my home study. I am both excited and terrified. Terrified because I really don't know what to expect but also because it's getting real. Don't get me wrong, this is what I want. It's always been my hope to adopt from foster care.  Little Man is my everything.  Mr. T is my bonus child that I never thought I'd have but have been incredibly blessed to get. I want this. But it's getting real. I won't have a semi-safety net to cover me if something happens. It's going to be on me. This is absolutely what I want.  But the brevity of the situation is what keeps me up at night. The biggest question I was asked and I was not prepared for is: "who will Little Man go to if something happens to you?" Who will take Little Man if I die?  What a huge question.  And I have no answer to that. I mean, there are so many people that have followed our journey and have been supportive but can I ask any of them to take on...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster parent for 1,130 days: 1. It. Never. Gets. Easier. 2. The capacity to love a child who is not yours is incomprehensible. It makes my heart feel boundless. 3. It would have been cheaper to buy a cow. 4. You don’t have to birth children to have the mama bear instinct. 5. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure I would foster in the first place but I am eternally grateful I took this challenge and brought you all along. A week from today we find out if the agency will approve the split of Little Man and his siblings.  I will find out if we can move forward or have to hire a lawyer. The social worker submitted a 12-page letter to DCF requesting the split and all the reasons why it would be good. November 26, we go to court for Mr. T for termination. Things are happening quickly now.  I've waited so long for this and now it feels like we're in fast forward.  

Well, I’m never sure how court is going to go. And a lot of instances it just continues. Just when you think something is going to happen, the exact opposite happens. Had court for Mr. T yesterday afternoon. Went in being told that the certain things would happen, namely that termination would be filed on mom.  As I walked into the courtroom, I just had a feeling that continuation was most likely going to happen and nothing else. I mean, we drug out Little Man for 3 years. Walked out being escorted by sheriff’s deputies because mom was threatening me. Termination is scheduled to begin in 45 days. Case plan has changed to solely adoption. Most likely, in or around September of 2019, I will be a mother of 2. I’m going to be done with foster care. I’m going to be able to drop foster mom from my vocabulary and just say, MOM. I can say their name on social media and inundate you with images of their gorgeous faces. But I also know nothing is certain until the ink is dry. I’m r...

This is going to be a long one so settle in with a cup of coffee or something... With every stress comes relief, in some way or another. I'm feeling some relief after the last week. Over 60 days ago, Little Man was put up on my agencies adoption website.  The reason this happens is that he's part of a sibling set.  He's been placed with me for over 3 years and separate from his siblings that whole time.  There were MANY reasons for that but also many reasons why they shouldn't be together and were kept apart. Our state prefers children be kept together.  To the point of removing kids from families that they have been with for years and are more than willing to adopt. Which is what could happen in our case. So they have to advertise the siblings on the website in the hopes that a family (2 parent) will take all 3. September 24th was the last day of Little Man being on the adoption website for 60 days.  I woke up every day with a reminder on my phone how m...

I think I've said it before but I am not a patient person.  And the waiting is honestly killing me.  To make things worse, doubt enters my mind all the time and it sits heavy on me. There are 19 days left to wait while Little Man is listed on a website with his siblings.  After that, the adoption process starts.  I have been filling out paperwork and sending in and they have been processing so I know that the clock doesn't actually start after the next 19 days.  But we're still looking at probably 10-12 months before it's all done.   I know I need to be patient but my overthinking mind gets the best of me and I start worrying.  What if I'm not approved?  What if someone else steps up and wants him?  What if family finally decides (after 3 years) they want him? And then today...I find out that Mr. T is going to adoption also.  So all the paperwork I'm doing for Little Man will cover Mr. T.  In the next 10-12 mon...

3 years ago today, you were brought to my house. You were so tiny. You didn’t talk and you were so scared.  Your diaper was so full, it was running down your legs.  You screamed bloody murder when I tried to put you in a bath.  You were 5.  __________________________________ You are now 8. You are so smart. You love to play on your iPad. You love your grandparents and I suspect you love Mr. T. You love Hotwheels, Nutty Buddy's, and still love letters. You are taking baths on your own and I can't keep you out of the water. You have learned so much and are reading 2 levels above where you should be. ______________________________________ Even before you got out of the car, I knew you. I knew I was going to love you so much.  What I didn’t know was how much I was willing to sacrifice. How much I still had to learn about strength. And how much my capacity to love a person hadn’t even scratched the surface.  Thank you for making...

It's definitely not the time to start celebrating but things are starting to wind down in the case of Little Man.  His dad relinquished his rights several weeks ago.  I'm both happy and sad about this. Sad because he didn't even try to work the case.  He didn't ask to be in contact in the future. He just walked away.  He genuinely showed no interest in his kids. But I also see the happiness in this because IF he hadn't, we would have had the case drug out for another year.  Little Man would have so much more trauma around his father.  There would have been more behaviors and therapy needed.  I also see that his father knew he could never provide for the three kids.  He has 3 felonies, he was getting clean, and he was in a treatment facility.  He recognized that it was in the kids best interest.  So I respect that. Little Man's mom is refusing to relinquish.  She wants the court to work for the removal of her rights. ...

Today marks me being a foster parent to my Little Man for 2 years. It's hard to believe it's only been 2 years but then also that there is still so much ahead of us. Here is what I have learned being a foster mom for 2 years: 1. The label "mom" was a hard one for me to wear in the beginning because, in my head, I am not a real mom.  But after 2 years, I am Mom.  I wear that label proud.  I announce my label to anyone who listens.  I've worked really hard to have this relationship with Little Man and I am proud of it. I'm thankful that I have been given this opportunity to become the mother I wanted to be; all because of him. 2. Growth is a constant theme for us.  Not only is he growing physically, but his speech, reading, and writing are leaps and bound better than where he was a year ago.  His personality and sense of humor is growing.  And his sense of self is too.  The growth I see in him is amazing. My Little Man 3. I am not pre...

So, I have always wanted a big family.  The idea of gobs of kids running around and being noisy and dirty has never repulsed me.  I love the idea of taking care of people and especially MY people. My heart actually warms with the thought of big family dinners, noise, mess, and just love.  I wanted to be the mother that everyone came over to our house because they would be loved, listened to, and fed.  I wanted my kids to be proud of me as their mother and excited to visit with their families. When I went through the infertility treatments, the thought that I could have multiples with a pregnancy never scared me either because it's my family in one big push.  When that didn't happen, I figured fostering was going to feed that need to feed, love, and (s)mother kids. And it has happened.  I love having two boys.  I love having three bonus kids with the manfriend.  I love working with him and his two teens because I can (s)mother the heck out of t...

I've been sitting on this feeling for the last week. I didn't want to verbally vomit all over this blog with what happened last week because I was angry, sad, and downright beaten. What should be a countdown to termination has become something I had hoped wouldn't happen. First, I want to say that termination should never be celebrated.  It's a sad eventual outcome that is a blow to any family.  I know that in my instance, Little Man's mom has done all she can do and has come to realize that she just cannot provide for all of her children.  It's a sad time for everyone because she's losing all her kids.  She's losing that tie to her biological children. I am hoping that she will stay in Little Man's life, if not for her benefit, but for him. But that all changed last week when we went to pre-trial.  Dad showed up.  He had been released from jail in April.  Had been in prison the whole time Little Man has been in state custody.  He aband...

On the eve of the pretrial for Little Man's termination, I find myself sad and anxious. I'm sad because it's going to go to termination and Little Man's mother will be losing her 3 children.  This will have been going on for 23 1/2 months by the time the trial happens in August.  His mother has consistently been present but just not able to parent these three high needs kids.  She's been inconsistent with her skills and ability to adapt.  But she's still been here.  She didn't stop showing up (except a few times but no one can really blame her), she has tried. Little Man is going to lose his biological family.  The ties that bind them will be severed forever.  This doesn't mean that there will be no more contact, just that it won't be as consistent as it has been.  I'm sad because a mother is recognizing that she cannot provide and is willing to have someone else take on that burden.  I'm sad because Little Man is losing his other...

This isn't a milestone day - we have been placed together for over 22 months but it's not exactly 22 months today. Instead, it's just 675 days that Little Man and I have been together. But it's days, like today, that reminds me of how far we have both come. How much has changed in both of our lives.  Mostly all for the good. Today, Little Man is hanging out with his Amee and Papa because camp is closed this week. He is running through a sprinkler, helping with chores, and running errands.  All totally normal things. I realize, every day, that this is not a normal life though. Every Saturday, he leaves for 24 hours.  He leaves in good condition (physically and mentally) but comes back dirty, smelling of urine, manic and usually in the clothes he went in even though I pack him a bag with a lot of different clothes (pullups, PJ's, underwear, etc).  And it doesn't matter to his case team...we continue to put him in that situation. In 39 days, we go back to c...

I talked about you today....for like the millionth, hundredth, billionth time.  I talked to a room full of people about why I wanted to be your mommy. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be anyone's mommy.  But now, after 614 days, I want to be YOUR mommy. The venue - Liberty Hall in Lawrence, KS I talked about how hard it was to come to terms with not being a mother.  How I didn't feel like I fit into a preconceived notion of what a mother was. And the whole time, I saw your crooked smile...your floppy hair that is starting to look suspiciously like a mullet...the way you look at me out of the corner of your eye when you are picking your nose.... And I told them how smart you were and how big you are getting.  I think they could hear the pride in my voice when I talked about how funny you are and how nice you look when you dress yourself. Today I talked about how much I struggle to wear the title Mommy with you but you never struggle to call me ...

Back in October, it was determined that permanency was going to be extended until January.  It's now a little less than a month until then and what I had assumed was going to happen has not. When I worked at the agency, I knew what I would have done as the worker to make sure Little Man went home as close to the court date in January (within means and barring any issues). His social worker was chastised for not being consistent with transportation and visits.  So, naturally I assumed visits would happen more frequently and over Christmas break, we would start overnights. Visits started more frequently but are less consistent than before.  He hasn't seen his siblings or mother in a month. Most of the visits were the ones I would drive him there and back because his worker would forget to put in transport. Last visit was supposed to be a long one but the worker decided to change it to a short one because she messed up transport again. That was the last one we had....

Oye Vey...today was shit.  He went to a visit. It was a short one. I prepped him last night that he was going to go see his siblings and bio mom. He repeatedly said no. I then changed it to just his siblings and he agreed.  Fast forward to this morning and the day started great with snuggles and cartoons and when the driver showed up, I promised him we'd put the Christmas tree up when he got back. He was excited.  Which we did. And took a few pictures outside. Then the shit seemed to explode.  It started with me asking him if he had lunch. In the past, me asking questions about food would shut him down but not recently. It did today and seemed to have triggered something. He went manic.  A lot of old behaviors came back. Anger, my old friend,  showed up and he started yelling and hitting things. All this pent up energy found escape and he broke things. He hasn't had this kind of behavior in a really long time. He hit me, the dog, and him...

Back in October, the permanency hearing was continued another 90 days.  Mostly, because I believe that the agency wanted to give bio mom a chance to get more visits in.   We now have visit's every Saturday.    Some I have to take him to the visit. Meaning, I drive an hour, sit for 6 hours, and then drive an hour home. But the real bummer is that I'm being told that at the hearing in January, it will probably be determined that Little Man will go home.  His GAL completely changed his decision and stated that mom was doing everything asked of her so he was OK with it.  The lawyers are all saying the same thing. The thing is....there is no bond between his mom and him.  I've actually seen her with him.  She will walk the other two to their car and hug and kiss them but doesn't do the same to my guy.  And he sees me at his mom.  She is his siblings mom.  He has been able to articulate that to me.  I'm his mommy.....that's E and...

So I haven't done one of these for awhile, but here is what I've learned from being a foster mom for 444 days. 1. The village constantly changes but the support stays the same. 2. Fears I personally had (spiders) don't matter when your 6-year-old WANTS/NEEDS a tarantula. 3. There are phases that kids go through that make you feel helpless and sad. Others make you feel like pulling your hair out. Little Man and I argued this morning about the year. It was about 5 minutes in when I realized I was arguing with someone who can't put socks on. 4. Self care is important but impossible to achieve. I need a haircut, massage and sleep but it won't happen. 5. Walking Little Man to school is still my favorite thing.