Pains of being a parent
So, the other night, I seemed to have a minor breakdown. I would like to chalk this up to being tired or hearing news last night about the possibilities of Little Man's case going to termination but then the possibility of them not allowing the siblings to be split or I'm tired or who knows...
I also think that I saw my kiddo through someone else's eyes last night and I realized just how big and mature he's gotten. And it makes me so proud of him. He is talking. He is asking questions. He is interacting with people. It makes me so scared for him to because now, now he can learn to be afraid and hurt and mad.
So with all of that in my brain, this popped out of me and I cried. I'm afraid of the future and I'm afraid of the present because I truly hope that I'm doing right by him.
There are some days where I don't get to see him other than to wake him and walk him to school and then push him in the door and to bed. Weekends are precious to me as I can see him from morning to night. I can smell his personal aroma (which happens to be maple syrupy) and hear his giggle.
This job is paying bills and giving me insurance, but I'm losing my time with him. I know it's the right thing and it's what a lot of single parents go through. But I miss my Little Man; ...sometimes so much that I want to call in sick for both of us and just lay like broccoli all day, in our PJ's.
I hope he remembers the giggles and not the fights to get him to bed. I hope he remembers that I am there when he wakes up and when he goes to bed but not there every time to get him at daycare. I hope he knows that I'd chose him EVERY.SINGLE.TIME, if I could but I can't because I want to provide for him and show him what stability and comfort looks like.
I hate asking friends and family for yet, one.more.favor because they didn't sign up to be a foster parent/aunt/uncle/grandparent. I did. I chose this. And I'd do it a thousand times again. I hope he sees what I do is for him and for us. I hope he sees that I would sacrifice everything for him because he is now my world, my heart and my reason to keep going when it just gets tough. I hope he sees that he is worth fighting for and more.
I also think that I saw my kiddo through someone else's eyes last night and I realized just how big and mature he's gotten. And it makes me so proud of him. He is talking. He is asking questions. He is interacting with people. It makes me so scared for him to because now, now he can learn to be afraid and hurt and mad.
So with all of that in my brain, this popped out of me and I cried. I'm afraid of the future and I'm afraid of the present because I truly hope that I'm doing right by him.
There are some days where I don't get to see him other than to wake him and walk him to school and then push him in the door and to bed. Weekends are precious to me as I can see him from morning to night. I can smell his personal aroma (which happens to be maple syrupy) and hear his giggle.
This job is paying bills and giving me insurance, but I'm losing my time with him. I know it's the right thing and it's what a lot of single parents go through. But I miss my Little Man; ...sometimes so much that I want to call in sick for both of us and just lay like broccoli all day, in our PJ's.
I hope he remembers the giggles and not the fights to get him to bed. I hope he remembers that I am there when he wakes up and when he goes to bed but not there every time to get him at daycare. I hope he knows that I'd chose him EVERY.SINGLE.TIME, if I could but I can't because I want to provide for him and show him what stability and comfort looks like.
I hate asking friends and family for yet, one.more.favor because they didn't sign up to be a foster parent/aunt/uncle/grandparent. I did. I chose this. And I'd do it a thousand times again. I hope he sees what I do is for him and for us. I hope he sees that I would sacrifice everything for him because he is now my world, my heart and my reason to keep going when it just gets tough. I hope he sees that he is worth fighting for and more.
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