Reverting Back

Oye Vey...today was shit. 

He went to a visit. It was a short one. I prepped him last night that he was going to go see his siblings and bio mom. He repeatedly said no. I then changed it to just his siblings and he agreed. 

Fast forward to this morning and the day started great with snuggles and cartoons and when the driver showed up, I promised him we'd put the Christmas tree up when he got back. He was excited. 

Which we did. And took a few pictures outside. Then the shit seemed to explode. 

It started with me asking him if he had lunch. In the past, me asking questions about food would shut him down but not recently. It did today and seemed to have triggered something. He went manic. 

A lot of old behaviors came back. Anger, my old friend,  showed up and he started yelling and hitting things. All this pent up energy found escape and he broke things. He hasn't had this kind of behavior in a really long time. He hit me, the dog, and himself. I can't punish him further than what he is already doing to himself but I can't allow that behavior either. 

And my heart breaks because I see it in his eyes. The confusion and sadness. And anger. He doesn't understand. 

I want to shield him from this confusion and anger and pain but I can't because this is what is supposed to happen. He needs to spend more time with his bio family so he can transition back. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting in my bed at 1am, stroking his head as he struggles to let the pain and confusion out. I hope he sleeps soon and forgets today. I won't. But he needs the peace.