Fostering The Love In Kansas

Here is what I have learned after being a foster mom for 120 days (4 months): 1.  My fear is that this thin line I've drawn between utter adoration for Little Man and keeping in mind that this is a job and that he could go back to his mother at any time is vanishing quickly.  2.  Laughter of a boy who is super ticklish is utterly contagious. Especially when it flows so much easier now.  3.  Victories, no matter how small, shall be celebrated with high 5's and giggling.  4.  Anger, in Little Man's body, burns my handsome boy out like a wick of a candle. Bright and long. It takes intervention to cease the flames of rage. That and epic pillow fights and wrestling matches.  5.  It's not just me that sees this Little Man and the potential. The team that is climbing aboard this journey grows on a daily basis. You can't help but love this boy with his infectious grin and sense of humor that delights. 

Little Man doesn't understand Christmas. I don't know if it's because he never had a Christmas or because he just doesn't understand it since he's developmentally delayed. I don't know, but I'm trying very hard to bring him a Christmas he'll remember. Just as I overpack, I may have overdone on the presents part. I always have for those that I care about.  I agonized for days about the wrapping, but it was all over with in less than 5 minutes.  But I think he enjoyed it.  We then went to my parent's house where he was spoiled even more.  I don't know if he understands Christmas but I do know he now understands opening gifts. We also did Christmas Eve service where he was an angel in the nativity.  My boy is a handsome man. I am hoping for many more Christmas's together to teach him about what Christmas is and how much he is loved.

So I really want to write a nasty post about Little Man's first visit with his mom in 3 months but it would be, in no way, objective unbiased or nice. I'm still dealing with some regression and anger issues - almost a week later. What I will write about is Christmas with my extended family and Little Man.  We left very early Saturday morning for a 6-hour drive to Northern Iowa.  I know Little Man has a short attention span for some things but a long one for others.  I just didn't know what to expect.  For 2 1/2 days of a visit, I tried to anticipate every need or want he may have for the long drive, being around strange people and then another long drive back. I have been known to be an over-packer.  We had a small car and two other people going.  It was not fun fitting all of it in there. We spent 2 days with my brother and his family.  They met him for the first time and just like everyone else that meets him, they fell in love with him.  The memories h

Last week, Little Man had his first visitation with his mom in over 3 months.  I'll try to keep my biased opinion to myself, but I also know that I really can't do that either. What I can say is that he came back home full of anger and energy.  He came back and announced "Mom, I'm home" His transportation lady told me that his bio mom kept harrassing him as he was getting in the car to call her Mommy and say "I love you Mommy" but he never did. He came home with a $20 gift card from his bio mother.  No gifts, just a gift card. He came home to me and was happy to see me. We have more visits in the future.  He is supposed to visit with his bio mother and siblings every two weeks on Thursdays from 3:30 pm until 5:30 pm.  This means he has to leave school early and won't be home until almost bed time.  His siblings are 3 hours away from the visitation so they'll miss almost half a day of school and won't be back until majorly late. But

What they don't tell you or train you for in foster care, is the sheer exhaustion you're going to feel not only mentally and physically but emotionally. For those that are doing this with a spouse or significant other, I can't imagine the strain that it takes on a relationship.  For myself, being a single foster parent, I'm constantly tired. There's only so much that I can ask friends and family to do and I feel guilty even asking what I do. I know that this was my choice, my choice to take on a child at the age of 40. Never mind the fact that taking on a foster child comes with its own issues.   The amount of time it takes to win a child over in the foster care system is enormous but also completely dependent on the child The days where my patience is so thin that I'm nailbiting my way just to get to the end of the day are getting more and more. I don't know if it's because I'm just tired and it's taking its toll or because it's just pil

I met with Little Man's teachers and therapists this week.  I had a friend of the family who is a retired special needs teacher with me, his foster agency therapist and his social worker at the table too.  There are so many people advocating for this little guy, it's amazing. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are rooting for him. On the phone was his mom.  I'll admit, I did not want her there or even having any say in this. I know that's not right or nice.  I know that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way.  She is not advocating for him and I'll explain that further later, but I will say that I was actually able to keep my cool and talk to her on the phone, at one point, because she wasn't able to understand what was being said. I was able to reassure her that he is doing well and that he will continue to do well. His IEP is totally different from his first three.  It shows how far he has come in the little amount of time he's been

So, I know it's normal for kids to get hurt.  It's not unusual for them to fall down and hurt themselves. I get that....but what I have a hard time with it that seems to happen more often for Little Man than I would like.  And it's not really happening a lot with him, I just don't want him hurting. The Friday after Thanksgiving, Little Man was hopping all over the couch.  He was amped up and was trying to get "doggy" to play with him.  As soon as I said "be careful", he nose dived off the couch and hit the corner of the coffee table.  Effectively putting a very neat hole in his cheek. He usually is very "tough" and just needs a kiss to make it better.  But the screams and tears were just so heartbreaking.  I grabbed him and went to the bathroom to get a better look.  He was starting to really bleed at that point so I think I totally lost my shit then. I feel like I am a fairly calm person under pressure. I don't react, I tend to l

So I was recently asked to write an article for a new magazine coming out in 2016 that centers around foster and adoption.  I guess I talk about anger a lot with Little Man, so much so that I was asked to talk about how we deal with anger.   I thought I would give you a small taste of what I wrote.  I've edited out the first part because it's pretty redundant for those of you that have been reading from the beginning. I don’t think any amount of training you get with your foster organization is ever going to be enough to prepare you. I mean, “real moms and dads” don’t have even that amount of training, but the fragile mental and physical condition of our foster kids is not something your average parent has to deal with.  The betrayal, the anger, the fear and the sadness is incredible.  I don’t know what Little Man had to endure in the first 5 years of his life. I know that he is considered the difficult and not normal one by his bio mother.  I know that i

Just knowing isn't always helpful.  But at this point, I don't even really know. I know that Little Man is different. He has "quirks" that are sometimes cute and sometimes straining.  In my experience with others, I see the tendencies of autism in him.  Small, but there. While there is no diagnosis yet (and that's a whole nother rant), it's been determined that he most likely is on the spectrum.  On the flip side of that, he's also very bright for his age.  He's just missing the ability to be aware of social cues. A few weeks ago, we had had some major regressions.  Between the potty training (went out the window completely) and back to baby talk.  It was a week where I've just let him be. While there has been some regression, he has been so good.  He is nothing more than a people pleaser really.  And if I give him tasks to do, he really enjoys it. I took him to work with me one time and he was so happy to be outside and running around.  

I've noticed something the last couple of days.  Little Man seems to be responding differently to me.  Now, it could be me or it could be him or it could be a combination of both but I'm grateful for it. The meltdowns are less and definitely not as intense.  I don't remember the last time he checked out and was just not present.  I know the last time he tested my patience and my resolve.  I know the last time he told me "NO" and then promptly apologized.  But the last time we had an out and out tantrum is far in the past. Why?  Probably because I have calmed down.  I let far more slide off me than I had in the past few weeks.  We still have our moments of contest of wills, but they are less intense and stressful. I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm trying new things to help his anger and frustration.  And, in turn, my anger and frustration. He hasn't actually had a time out in weeks.  I threaten them, but he immediately apologizes and