I Quit...For Tonight

Tonight is the first time I have seriously thought about quitting.  I'm afraid this is going to be a long post, so I apologize now.

It started bright and early today.  We got up, but I could tell Little Man wasn't ready to be up yet.  It took a couple of attempts to get out of bed but even then he wasn't really awake.

Today was picture day at school.  I had his outfit picked out. We had talked about it for a few days, to prepare him for a slight change in the day.

We went to brush his teeth and he upended the cup of water in his face and down the front of him.  He wanted to change because he hates being wet but he was just wet, not dirty and I wanted him in the outfit he had on.  Well, that was it...almost like he was spoiling for a fight.

An utter and complete meltdown happened.  Screaming, crying, hitting and then he shut down. I picked him up and sat him on the toilet and attempted to put a cold washcloth on his face because he was red and puffy...but he started hitting me and I finally just told him to go put his coat and backpack on.

Little Man's anger manifests itself in one of two ways - feral child or cold as ice child.  This morning it went from feral to ice in about 30 seconds flat.  He folded his arms, turned his back on me and ignored me. I had to forcibly put his coat and backpack on him and carry him about 1/2 way to school before he wanted down.

My anger manifested itself in a headache that didn't go away until about 10:00 this evening and a sudden urge to alternate between crying, sleeping and quitting.

After school was no better.  His teacher told me he had to be removed from class a few times and was just defiant all day.  I know he's tired, this is hard on him.  I get it.

The rest of the evening was a mental and verbal wrestling match between us.  He would ignore me then come over to give me a hug.  I asked him to change his shirt and he did a very feeble attempt and then gave up and got mad when I made him keep trying.  Finally hit me in the face and ran away.

Every answer was "no" from him tonight or just silence.  The only time I seemed to get a response was when I threatened timeouts.

I thought a trip to the library and a side trip to see Fi would help, but it just seemed to make him more defiant and more ready to ignore me.  I hate to admit this but I'm jealous of the way he is with others and I sometimes think that he is maliciously being loving and good with them to throw it in my face. Now, I know this is impossible, but it doesn't stop me from being hurt.

I'll be honest, tonight I wanted to quit. I wanted to be done with him, with all of this, with the pain and sorrow.  I want my old life back.  I want to sleep until 10 am. I want to be able to just leave the house and not have to pack a small arsenal of crap to keep him entertained. I want my house to stop smelling like a toilet.

But I also know that this is what I wanted.  The good, obviously, but also I know that the bad comes with that.  I have so desperately wanted this connection with another human, that it wasn't going to be all rainbows and lollipops.  I knew this...

But it still amazes me the depth of his anger, my despair and the distance that is still between us.  I see how he is with Fi and my parents and my heart literally breaks because it feels like I do all the work and they get his goodness and love.  I get knocked in the face and ignored.

He breaks my heart on the regular and tonight felt like I didn't have much left of an already small heart.  But I know that sleep cures my bad attitudes and I usually wake up in a much better mood.  I'm going to hope that this is true for us tomorrow.