Anger in a 5-year-old's body
Anger does weird things to people. I know when I'm angry I'm completely transparent with how I feel. I am not able to keep my feelings off my face or out of my voice. And SOMETIMES, I'm able to stop myself from being so angry that I regret what I'll say or do.
Little Man, though...he takes anger to another level. And it's not always the same. Some days he just sits and ignores everything I say or ask. He won't make eye contact but will make sure to keep an eye on me by looking at me sideways.
Some days, he throws things, yells, kicks his toys.
And some days he just shuts down. Not even making sure I'm watching him. That I have his attention. Just checking out and not in the moment. Those times scare me because of what it means. What things he's seen. He doesn't do it as much with me anymore. And I'd like to think that's because he's starting to feel safe and secure.
I have to forgive Little Man every time he breaks something, hits me, ignores me, and just generally tests my limits. I have to suck up my pain and hurt and continue loving him. But I hate being the bad guy all the time.
This is teaching me so much about being humble and being forgiving. He destroys my heart on a regular basis with the way he treats me and the things I own. But I also would rather him take that anger he has so deep inside himself out on me rather than himself. I can heal and forgive. He's too young to learn to care for himself.
A lot of times, we can't forgive for what we've done to ourselves. I don't want him saddled with yet more guilt and pain. He already thinks there is something wrong because of how his mother treats him and why the family isn't together. Lord knows, she's said it to me and the social worker - it's Little Man's fault that she's in this situation.
But does he actually care about me? Because I am the bad guy all the time and it gets so hard sometimes. This is probably one of those lamenting thoughts I have towards the end of a very long and exhausting week. I'm tired...exhausted....weary. My body hurts, my head is throbbing and I know I should be in bed because it starts all over again tomorrow.
But I know that motherhood is a thankless job. I've heard it a thousand times. I just never knew how much it hurt to be a mom. To be such an easy target. And to know that I can never show that hurt because then it would just hurt him. The least Little Man deserves is to be supported as he works through these issues.
I can hope, that he'll come out on the other side with an appreciation for how far he's come and how many people were in his cheering section.
This morning, he was so excited because we played a new game. I drew boxes on the coffee table in chalk and he had to put 3 different toys in them. Then another 3 boxes and I would write letters/numbers under them and he had to go find three of his wooden blocks that matched the letters/numbers. He would run between his room and the living room for about an hour.
He had fun.
He was learning and got to show me how smart he was. He was happy.
Those are the times that I will keep in my heart. Not the times that he hits me or ignores me. No...I like knowing that he can be happy and that I can make him happy.
Little Man, though...he takes anger to another level. And it's not always the same. Some days he just sits and ignores everything I say or ask. He won't make eye contact but will make sure to keep an eye on me by looking at me sideways.
Some days, he throws things, yells, kicks his toys.
And some days he just shuts down. Not even making sure I'm watching him. That I have his attention. Just checking out and not in the moment. Those times scare me because of what it means. What things he's seen. He doesn't do it as much with me anymore. And I'd like to think that's because he's starting to feel safe and secure.
I have to forgive Little Man every time he breaks something, hits me, ignores me, and just generally tests my limits. I have to suck up my pain and hurt and continue loving him. But I hate being the bad guy all the time.
This is teaching me so much about being humble and being forgiving. He destroys my heart on a regular basis with the way he treats me and the things I own. But I also would rather him take that anger he has so deep inside himself out on me rather than himself. I can heal and forgive. He's too young to learn to care for himself.
A lot of times, we can't forgive for what we've done to ourselves. I don't want him saddled with yet more guilt and pain. He already thinks there is something wrong because of how his mother treats him and why the family isn't together. Lord knows, she's said it to me and the social worker - it's Little Man's fault that she's in this situation.
But does he actually care about me? Because I am the bad guy all the time and it gets so hard sometimes. This is probably one of those lamenting thoughts I have towards the end of a very long and exhausting week. I'm tired...exhausted....weary. My body hurts, my head is throbbing and I know I should be in bed because it starts all over again tomorrow.
But I know that motherhood is a thankless job. I've heard it a thousand times. I just never knew how much it hurt to be a mom. To be such an easy target. And to know that I can never show that hurt because then it would just hurt him. The least Little Man deserves is to be supported as he works through these issues.
I can hope, that he'll come out on the other side with an appreciation for how far he's come and how many people were in his cheering section.
This morning, he was so excited because we played a new game. I drew boxes on the coffee table in chalk and he had to put 3 different toys in them. Then another 3 boxes and I would write letters/numbers under them and he had to go find three of his wooden blocks that matched the letters/numbers. He would run between his room and the living room for about an hour.
He had fun.
He was learning and got to show me how smart he was. He was happy.
Those are the times that I will keep in my heart. Not the times that he hits me or ignores me. No...I like knowing that he can be happy and that I can make him happy.
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