Fostering The Love In Kansas

Today you are 3. You have developed a sense of humor and self. You are still sassy but you also have bigger emotions. You bring so much joy to all of us Mr. T and I am forever grateful that we found each other. I love you so much and I’m so proud of the little man you are becoming. I can’t remember what our lives were before you. Happy birthday my lil boy!

1,200 days... 28,800 hours... 1,728,000 minutes... That is how long Little Man has been in my life.  And my life has changed in more than 2 million ways. That's 1,200 days that his life has been in my hands and honestly, mine has been in his.  In those 1,200 days here is what I have learned about being a mom. 1. I am no longer calling myself his "foster" mom but rather just mom and that has been the most emotional change in my life.  I see myself as his mom, he is my son. 2.  The amount of times people have told me how much they are amazed of the changes in Little Man in even the last 6 months proves that we are doing something right, even when it's exhausting, repetitive, and doesn't seem to be working. 3. The village needs to get bigger. In order to provide more support to myself, Jay, and to Little Man, I need to ask for more help. I have done a disservice to Little Man and others by sheltering him and others from his differences and because of that

Celebrating Thanksgiving is always the time to reflect on all the things in our lives we're grateful for. Being a parent, there is always something we're grateful for. Our kids, their health, our health(ish), the love we have in our lives. But what I never thought about being grateful for was the "YES". I've always been someone that makes changes quickly. I make decisions quickly and sometimes even without much thought. But when it comes to big, life-changing, decisions I agonize over them, ask everyone their opinion, agonize some more, etc. But ultimately, I already knew what the answer was - deep down in my gut. The idea to start fostering came to me one day and it wasn't even discussed with anyone. I reached out to our local agency and asked for information. I said YES the minute they asked if I wanted to attend classes. No hesitation. When I started fostering, my plan was always to get an older child. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want diaper

As Little Man has gotten older, his personality has developed but so has his differences. I don't even know how to explain Little Man to some people so I gave him a label early on. Autism...he's autistic...please be kind to him, he is autistic. It was easier to explain.  And while it wasn't official, it was still a way to explain him to people.  Because I felt like I had to explain him...prepare people for him. It is also used as a warning and I hated that. No one should be warned about Little Man. He doesn't need a warning label but in reality, he does. It helps people feel more comfortable around him because he is different. He makes noises or says things that are different and make people uncomfortable. He repeats things and often times doesn't acknowledge anyone else - he lives in his own world. A few weeks ago we started the process of getting an official autism diagnosis. It's not something I need to know but it is needed for him and his future.  His

Approval is a funny thing.  I don't want to think I need anyone's approval to live my life but in the foster world, approval is everything. And in adoption, there are so many things that require approval that day to day life is never normal. Approval for taking him out of state, approval to enroll him in sports, approval to get him on meds. In adoption, approval is everything.  We have to do a home study, negotiate subsidies, get approval and then start legal proceedings. In my state, adoptive resources have to go through a BIS (Best Interest Staffing) with the agency and DCF in order to be approved to adopt the child.  They look over the facts of the case, the length of time the child has been in placement, the needs of the child, and the overall stability of the adoptive resource. Today I was informed today that I was approved to adopt Little Man.  Little Man is going to be mine. We are getting closer and closer...

I was 40 when I started this process. I turned 41 6 days after Little Man was dropped off at my door. This year, I turned 44 and let me tell you, being a mother to two young children in my 40’s is no joke. Parenting, in general, is hard. Parenting children while fostering is uber hard. Parenting and fostering small children in your 40’s takes a lot of determination, commitment, and ibuprofen. If I stay up past 10pm, I’m guaranteed a bad next day due to exhaustion. And in the last year, my body has decided that I need less and less sleep so my wake up times ranges from 3:30 am to 5:30 am. Incredibly rarely past 6:00 am. Add to that just the mental exhaustion from the ‘what ifs’ that come with parenting, add a layer of uncertainty with fostering, and then the needs of a kiddo with special needs and I’m an exhausted blob. Self-care is talked about a lot these days and I’d like to say I’m a big believer in it but my form of self-care waxes and wanes. Sometimes it’s turning off my l

Today kicks off the beginning of my home study. I am both excited and terrified. Terrified because I really don't know what to expect but also because it's getting real. Don't get me wrong, this is what I want. It's always been my hope to adopt from foster care.  Little Man is my everything.  Mr. T is my bonus child that I never thought I'd have but have been incredibly blessed to get. I want this. But it's getting real. I won't have a semi-safety net to cover me if something happens. It's going to be on me. This is absolutely what I want.  But the brevity of the situation is what keeps me up at night. The biggest question I was asked and I was not prepared for is: "who will Little Man go to if something happens to you?" Who will take Little Man if I die?  What a huge question.  And I have no answer to that. I mean, there are so many people that have followed our journey and have been supportive but can I ask any of them to take on

Here is what I have learned from being a foster parent for 1,130 days: 1. It. Never. Gets. Easier. 2. The capacity to love a child who is not yours is incomprehensible. It makes my heart feel boundless. 3. It would have been cheaper to buy a cow. 4. You don’t have to birth children to have the mama bear instinct. 5. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure I would foster in the first place but I am eternally grateful I took this challenge and brought you all along. A week from today we find out if the agency will approve the split of Little Man and his siblings.  I will find out if we can move forward or have to hire a lawyer. The social worker submitted a 12-page letter to DCF requesting the split and all the reasons why it would be good. November 26, we go to court for Mr. T for termination. Things are happening quickly now.  I've waited so long for this and now it feels like we're in fast forward.  

Well, I’m never sure how court is going to go. And a lot of instances it just continues. Just when you think something is going to happen, the exact opposite happens. Had court for Mr. T yesterday afternoon. Went in being told that the certain things would happen, namely that termination would be filed on mom.  As I walked into the courtroom, I just had a feeling that continuation was most likely going to happen and nothing else. I mean, we drug out Little Man for 3 years. Walked out being escorted by sheriff’s deputies because mom was threatening me. Termination is scheduled to begin in 45 days. Case plan has changed to solely adoption. Most likely, in or around September of 2019, I will be a mother of 2. I’m going to be done with foster care. I’m going to be able to drop foster mom from my vocabulary and just say, MOM. I can say their name on social media and inundate you with images of their gorgeous faces. But I also know nothing is certain until the ink is dry. I’m reali

This is going to be a long one so settle in with a cup of coffee or something... With every stress comes relief, in some way or another. I'm feeling some relief after the last week. Over 60 days ago, Little Man was put up on my agencies adoption website.  The reason this happens is that he's part of a sibling set.  He's been placed with me for over 3 years and separate from his siblings that whole time.  There were MANY reasons for that but also many reasons why they shouldn't be together and were kept apart. Our state prefers children be kept together.  To the point of removing kids from families that they have been with for years and are more than willing to adopt. Which is what could happen in our case. So they have to advertise the siblings on the website in the hopes that a family (2 parent) will take all 3. September 24th was the last day of Little Man being on the adoption website for 60 days.  I woke up every day with a reminder on my phone how many days

I think I've said it before but I am not a patient person.  And the waiting is honestly killing me.  To make things worse, doubt enters my mind all the time and it sits heavy on me. There are 19 days left to wait while Little Man is listed on a website with his siblings.  After that, the adoption process starts.  I have been filling out paperwork and sending in and they have been processing so I know that the clock doesn't actually start after the next 19 days.  But we're still looking at probably 10-12 months before it's all done.   I know I need to be patient but my overthinking mind gets the best of me and I start worrying.  What if I'm not approved?  What if someone else steps up and wants him?  What if family finally decides (after 3 years) they want him? And then today...I find out that Mr. T is going to adoption also.  So all the paperwork I'm doing for Little Man will cover Mr. T.  In the next 10-12 months, I'll officially have two a

3 years ago today, you were brought to my house. You were so tiny. You didn’t talk and you were so scared.  Your diaper was so full, it was running down your legs.  You screamed bloody murder when I tried to put you in a bath.  You were 5.  __________________________________ You are now 8. You are so smart. You love to play on your iPad. You love your grandparents and I suspect you love Mr. T. You love Hotwheels, Nutty Buddy's, and still love letters. You are taking baths on your own and I can't keep you out of the water. You have learned so much and are reading 2 levels above where you should be. ______________________________________ Even before you got out of the car, I knew you. I knew I was going to love you so much.  What I didn’t know was how much I was willing to sacrifice. How much I still had to learn about strength. And how much my capacity to love a person hadn’t even scratched the surface.  Thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for t

Mr. T has been with us a year now.   I can't even begin to tell you how much he has grown in that time.  How much we have all grown in this year. Little Man has had some growing pains with having to learn to share, be kind and set a good example.  But I've noticed lately that the way he interacts with Mr. T has changed and it's been such a wonderful sight to see (and hear). Mr. T has grown by learning to use words, walking, showing us how to laugh at everything, and being a complete joy to watch interact with the world.  We're working on potty training and speech.   I will admit that I really held myself back from fully falling for him. I truly believe that reunification, when appropriate, works.  And I had a lot of hope that he would go home.  His momma truly does love him.  She just struggles to get her life in a place where the two of them (and even all the other children she has had removed) with her.   But about 3 months ago, Mr. T starte

So, I'm just going to come right out and say this...I have the patience of a tea bag.  I never have been patient. I have a lot of other skills, patience is not one of them. Now that Little Man's parents have relinquished, I want everything to move at light speed.  Where is my home study packet?  Who is his adoption worker?  When can we get this ball rolling? I need to find the calm in this and remember every moment of it but I can't. I want out...I want to be done with fostering. I've become so jaded lately with the system. I know I shouldn't be. I should be patient and let things work themselves out but I'm totally and officially over it. I want Mr. T's case to be done and over with. I want to move on and not have a life where I am constantly having to leave work because social workers are coming to the house, or I have to run to visits or court. I honestly went into fostering thinking I was going to do this for the rest of my life. I wanted

So it's been 913 days with Little Man.  328 days of those with Mr. T....and while things are definitely WAY better than they had been in the first 9 months, there are still so many new things that have cropped up in our world. Little Man has had some major behaviors crop up since school started. It's honestly to the point where the school has started calling me almost daily.  He's destroyed classrooms.  He is hurting other kids and sometimes even teachers. I had hoped it was just aggression towards Mr. T (not that I want that either) but now it's taken a turn to being angry about everything.  As the school year has gone on, he's getting more and more behaviors.  I know part of it is starting therapy back up and I truly believe he is reliving things and remembering things that he may not have previously.  He has a lot of anger and confusion. He doesn't understand how to handle those emotions. No one understands how to handle him.  Me included. But I can at

I got a call on Monday that Little Man's mom had relinquished rights.  Just. Like. That.   We were going to TPR next week.  She had been saying for a year that she would never relinquish - they were going to have to pry those kids out of her hands through trial.  And she relinquished.  I was stunned.  Because mom has always stuck to her guns and been stubborn about things. I did not expect this.  I sat on that news for about 5 seconds and then started calling anyone and everyone. We are moving to adoption .... I lived in this blissful world where adoption is within my grasp for about 2 hours....and then my worker called me and informed me of all the hoops she feels I'm going to have to jump through as a way to prepare me. Siblings, in our state, are very hard to split through adoption.  My agency is already putting in a request to find an adoptive resource for all three.  So they won't have to split them.  Nevermind they have been split for the entire time the

It's definitely not the time to start celebrating but things are starting to wind down in the case of Little Man.  His dad relinquished his rights several weeks ago.  I'm both happy and sad about this. Sad because he didn't even try to work the case.  He didn't ask to be in contact in the future. He just walked away.  He genuinely showed no interest in his kids. But I also see the happiness in this because IF he hadn't, we would have had the case drug out for another year.  Little Man would have so much more trauma around his father.  There would have been more behaviors and therapy needed.  I also see that his father knew he could never provide for the three kids.  He has 3 felonies, he was getting clean, and he was in a treatment facility.  He recognized that it was in the kids best interest.  So I respect that. Little Man's mom is refusing to relinquish.  She wants the court to work for the removal of her rights.  She is willing to sit through 3 days of

Here is what I have learned from being a foster parent for 900 days: 1. Adding one more makes a HUGE difference. Both good and bad but I’d never change it for the world. 2. March 7-9 we go to trial to finally finish this long run for Little Man. Termination of mom’s rights. Dad relinquished a few weeks ago and we’re hopeful mom will too. If not, we sit through 3 days of testimony on why she should have her rights terminated. This is both heartbreaking and exhilarating for me. She’s losing 3 kids and my heart breaks for that loss but I’m one huge step closer to making Little Man a Kennedy. 3. Changes come slow and changes come fast. But changes always come and celebrating even the small ones is exciting. 4. I am more and more aware of Little Man’s differences and I am also a lot more aware of my limitations. Asking for help is getting loads easier. 5. The mom title is now much more comfortable and deserving. I am so proud to be called mom by some of the best little h