Fostering The Love In Kansas

This blog post started a lot differently a few days ago. I had some hope that I was going to be making a decision not based on emotion but rather one based on facts only.  But after the last few days, I know that my decision has been based on both emotions and facts. But mostly, it has shown me that my gut needs to be listened to. Lately, it has been hard.  Hell, the last couple of months have been hard.  And it's not because of any one thing.  The biggest thing is that I haven't been able to work a full week of work for MONTHS because of Little Man. Between his therapies, school, and appointments.  But the biggest is the amount of mental strain I've been feeling with him and school. Monday I pulled Little Man from school.  I will not be sending him back. This has been building and building.  Jay and I have talked about what Little Man's future will look like - education-wise - once his adoption is finalized and we've always leaned toward...

Part of being a foster parent is knowing that the kids that come into our homes have a base level of trauma.  That's just, out of the gate, trauma due to removal.  But then there comes the trauma with the background a lot of the kids come from.  The domestic violence, substance abuse, neglect, etc - it all causes trauma.  We're warned about this trauma but I know in my case, I was never trained for trauma.  I was never trained for the heartbreak that comes with loving a child with trauma. I was never trained to find the help my kiddos need.  I was never trained on how to parent a child with special needs. I never knew this was what I was signing up for. But the damage is done. I have a child with special needs.  And the damage is already done to him.  The more I learn about him and his disabilities, the more I know I was put in his path so we both would find what we needed. The damage done to my Little Man is not repairable.  These last...

I know that the last school year was one of immense trauma and frustration. Not just for Little Man but for his school too.  There was such a lack of knowledge on trauma (and now we know autism) that it caused so much stress for me. But we also were winding down on visits with bio family and so there was a lot of emotions swirling around. I had higher hopes this year because his whole SPED team was new and seems to be much more experienced.  Visits were done, we had a more stable environment outside of school. But the issues with lack of training and knowledge still plague the team. And not to pretend that Little Man is innocent in this, his behaviors have escalated.  His triggers have changed and gotten harder to determine. Not to mention, he could start off having a great day and easily spiral out of control if any part of his day changes. The thing is, we spent the last 3 school years working really hard to get him academically up to par (and excelling in some ar...

With every line item checked off towards adoption, there is a time period that comes afterward that kind of takes away from the glow of checking off an item. Today was SSI.  Kansas Legal Services called today to verify a lot of what I had already provided for Little Man to get SSI.  They were submitting his application for SSI this afternoon.  The woman we worked with stated she has no doubt that Social Security will approve it.   But it will be 4-6 months, most likely before that will happen. Which pushes back some plans I had.  It probably means I'll have to renew my foster license AGAIN.  It means the educational needs of Little Man are going to have to be handled differently than I wanted.  We will continue to have people in our home every month and this dysregulates Little Man every time.   I truly had hoped this would be done by March.  But it's not looking like it. I should be happy that things are going the way ...

Now that we are in the homestretch with the adoption of Little Man and going through the process of getting him set up with SSI and disability services, I get a lot of emails and phone calls.  Most of the time, it's just me being copied on correspondence between agencies. And most of the time, it's stuff over my head but I appreciate being kept in the loop. There has been a lot of terminologies being applied to Little Man. Some of them I have heard before, some are new.  There are some that are not news to me but some that are.  And then there are those that rankle me.  Get my blood boiling. The one that got me this morning was the B word. Little Man was described as being a burden.  He was being approved for services because he was going to be a burden on me and on society. And I saw RED... My child is not a burden.  He will never be a burden.  He's a lot of things but never a burden. He is a blessing .  He made me a mom and learn things ...

This morning started off just like any other day.  I woke up, I got the boys up, I started the process of getting everyone ready and out the door.  Nothing different.  Except Little Man decided to pee on the couch instead of getting up and going to the bathroom. Not the end of the world. It happens to the best of us but this morning it just set off a chain of events in my head that resulted in me putting myself in timeout.  I sent myself to my room, closed the door, and cried a little. After he peed, instead of asking the "why" because I knew the answer would be "I don't know", I sent him to the bathroom and sprayed the couch down.  This isn't the first time someone has peed on the couch. Diapers/pull-ups leak, no one's fault. But this morning, Little Man had already taken his pull-up off and just chose to not get back up and go pee. I gently reminded him he needs to use the toilet and not just pee. I could see him starting to shut down so I left a...

Today you are 3. You have developed a sense of humor and self. You are still sassy but you also have bigger emotions. You bring so much joy to all of us Mr. T and I am forever grateful that we found each other. I love you so much and I’m so proud of the little man you are becoming. I can’t remember what our lives were before you. Happy birthday my lil boy!

1,200 days... 28,800 hours... 1,728,000 minutes... That is how long Little Man has been in my life.  And my life has changed in more than 2 million ways. That's 1,200 days that his life has been in my hands and honestly, mine has been in his.  In those 1,200 days here is what I have learned about being a mom. 1. I am no longer calling myself his "foster" mom but rather just mom and that has been the most emotional change in my life.  I see myself as his mom, he is my son. 2.  The amount of times people have told me how much they are amazed of the changes in Little Man in even the last 6 months proves that we are doing something right, even when it's exhausting, repetitive, and doesn't seem to be working. 3. The village needs to get bigger. In order to provide more support to myself, Jay, and to Little Man, I need to ask for more help. I have done a disservice to Little Man and others by sheltering him and others from his differences and because of that...

Celebrating Thanksgiving is always the time to reflect on all the things in our lives we're grateful for. Being a parent, there is always something we're grateful for. Our kids, their health, our health(ish), the love we have in our lives. But what I never thought about being grateful for was the "YES". I've always been someone that makes changes quickly. I make decisions quickly and sometimes even without much thought. But when it comes to big, life-changing, decisions I agonize over them, ask everyone their opinion, agonize some more, etc. But ultimately, I already knew what the answer was - deep down in my gut. The idea to start fostering came to me one day and it wasn't even discussed with anyone. I reached out to our local agency and asked for information. I said YES the minute they asked if I wanted to attend classes. No hesitation. When I started fostering, my plan was always to get an older child. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want diaper...

As Little Man has gotten older, his personality has developed but so has his differences. I don't even know how to explain Little Man to some people so I gave him a label early on. Autism...he's autistic...please be kind to him, he is autistic. It was easier to explain.  And while it wasn't official, it was still a way to explain him to people.  Because I felt like I had to explain him...prepare people for him. It is also used as a warning and I hated that. No one should be warned about Little Man. He doesn't need a warning label but in reality, he does. It helps people feel more comfortable around him because he is different. He makes noises or says things that are different and make people uncomfortable. He repeats things and often times doesn't acknowledge anyone else - he lives in his own world. A few weeks ago we started the process of getting an official autism diagnosis. It's not something I need to know but it is needed for him and his future.  His...

Approval is a funny thing.  I don't want to think I need anyone's approval to live my life but in the foster world, approval is everything. And in adoption, there are so many things that require approval that day to day life is never normal. Approval for taking him out of state, approval to enroll him in sports, approval to get him on meds. In adoption, approval is everything.  We have to do a home study, negotiate subsidies, get approval and then start legal proceedings. In my state, adoptive resources have to go through a BIS (Best Interest Staffing) with the agency and DCF in order to be approved to adopt the child.  They look over the facts of the case, the length of time the child has been in placement, the needs of the child, and the overall stability of the adoptive resource. Today I was informed today that I was approved to adopt Little Man.  Little Man is going to be mine. We are getting closer and closer...

I was 40 when I started this process. I turned 41 6 days after Little Man was dropped off at my door. This year, I turned 44 and let me tell you, being a mother to two young children in my 40’s is no joke. Parenting, in general, is hard. Parenting children while fostering is uber hard. Parenting and fostering small children in your 40’s takes a lot of determination, commitment, and ibuprofen. If I stay up past 10pm, I’m guaranteed a bad next day due to exhaustion. And in the last year, my body has decided that I need less and less sleep so my wake up times ranges from 3:30 am to 5:30 am. Incredibly rarely past 6:00 am. Add to that just the mental exhaustion from the ‘what ifs’ that come with parenting, add a layer of uncertainty with fostering, and then the needs of a kiddo with special needs and I’m an exhausted blob. Self-care is talked about a lot these days and I’d like to say I’m a big believer in it but my form of self-care waxes and wanes. Sometimes it’s turning off my l...

Today kicks off the beginning of my home study. I am both excited and terrified. Terrified because I really don't know what to expect but also because it's getting real. Don't get me wrong, this is what I want. It's always been my hope to adopt from foster care.  Little Man is my everything.  Mr. T is my bonus child that I never thought I'd have but have been incredibly blessed to get. I want this. But it's getting real. I won't have a semi-safety net to cover me if something happens. It's going to be on me. This is absolutely what I want.  But the brevity of the situation is what keeps me up at night. The biggest question I was asked and I was not prepared for is: "who will Little Man go to if something happens to you?" Who will take Little Man if I die?  What a huge question.  And I have no answer to that. I mean, there are so many people that have followed our journey and have been supportive but can I ask any of them to take on...

Here is what I have learned from being a foster parent for 1,130 days: 1. It. Never. Gets. Easier. 2. The capacity to love a child who is not yours is incomprehensible. It makes my heart feel boundless. 3. It would have been cheaper to buy a cow. 4. You don’t have to birth children to have the mama bear instinct. 5. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure I would foster in the first place but I am eternally grateful I took this challenge and brought you all along. A week from today we find out if the agency will approve the split of Little Man and his siblings.  I will find out if we can move forward or have to hire a lawyer. The social worker submitted a 12-page letter to DCF requesting the split and all the reasons why it would be good. November 26, we go to court for Mr. T for termination. Things are happening quickly now.  I've waited so long for this and now it feels like we're in fast forward.  

Well, I’m never sure how court is going to go. And a lot of instances it just continues. Just when you think something is going to happen, the exact opposite happens. Had court for Mr. T yesterday afternoon. Went in being told that the certain things would happen, namely that termination would be filed on mom.  As I walked into the courtroom, I just had a feeling that continuation was most likely going to happen and nothing else. I mean, we drug out Little Man for 3 years. Walked out being escorted by sheriff’s deputies because mom was threatening me. Termination is scheduled to begin in 45 days. Case plan has changed to solely adoption. Most likely, in or around September of 2019, I will be a mother of 2. I’m going to be done with foster care. I’m going to be able to drop foster mom from my vocabulary and just say, MOM. I can say their name on social media and inundate you with images of their gorgeous faces. But I also know nothing is certain until the ink is dry. I’m r...

This is going to be a long one so settle in with a cup of coffee or something... With every stress comes relief, in some way or another. I'm feeling some relief after the last week. Over 60 days ago, Little Man was put up on my agencies adoption website.  The reason this happens is that he's part of a sibling set.  He's been placed with me for over 3 years and separate from his siblings that whole time.  There were MANY reasons for that but also many reasons why they shouldn't be together and were kept apart. Our state prefers children be kept together.  To the point of removing kids from families that they have been with for years and are more than willing to adopt. Which is what could happen in our case. So they have to advertise the siblings on the website in the hopes that a family (2 parent) will take all 3. September 24th was the last day of Little Man being on the adoption website for 60 days.  I woke up every day with a reminder on my phone how m...

I think I've said it before but I am not a patient person.  And the waiting is honestly killing me.  To make things worse, doubt enters my mind all the time and it sits heavy on me. There are 19 days left to wait while Little Man is listed on a website with his siblings.  After that, the adoption process starts.  I have been filling out paperwork and sending in and they have been processing so I know that the clock doesn't actually start after the next 19 days.  But we're still looking at probably 10-12 months before it's all done.   I know I need to be patient but my overthinking mind gets the best of me and I start worrying.  What if I'm not approved?  What if someone else steps up and wants him?  What if family finally decides (after 3 years) they want him? And then today...I find out that Mr. T is going to adoption also.  So all the paperwork I'm doing for Little Man will cover Mr. T.  In the next 10-12 mon...

3 years ago today, you were brought to my house. You were so tiny. You didn’t talk and you were so scared.  Your diaper was so full, it was running down your legs.  You screamed bloody murder when I tried to put you in a bath.  You were 5.  __________________________________ You are now 8. You are so smart. You love to play on your iPad. You love your grandparents and I suspect you love Mr. T. You love Hotwheels, Nutty Buddy's, and still love letters. You are taking baths on your own and I can't keep you out of the water. You have learned so much and are reading 2 levels above where you should be. ______________________________________ Even before you got out of the car, I knew you. I knew I was going to love you so much.  What I didn’t know was how much I was willing to sacrifice. How much I still had to learn about strength. And how much my capacity to love a person hadn’t even scratched the surface.  Thank you for making...

Mr. T has been with us a year now.   I can't even begin to tell you how much he has grown in that time.  How much we have all grown in this year. Little Man has had some growing pains with having to learn to share, be kind and set a good example.  But I've noticed lately that the way he interacts with Mr. T has changed and it's been such a wonderful sight to see (and hear). Mr. T has grown by learning to use words, walking, showing us how to laugh at everything, and being a complete joy to watch interact with the world.  We're working on potty training and speech.   I will admit that I really held myself back from fully falling for him. I truly believe that reunification, when appropriate, works.  And I had a lot of hope that he would go home.  His momma truly does love him.  She just struggles to get her life in a place where the two of them (and even all the other children she has had removed) with her. ...

So, I'm just going to come right out and say this...I have the patience of a tea bag.  I never have been patient. I have a lot of other skills, patience is not one of them. Now that Little Man's parents have relinquished, I want everything to move at light speed.  Where is my home study packet?  Who is his adoption worker?  When can we get this ball rolling? I need to find the calm in this and remember every moment of it but I can't. I want out...I want to be done with fostering. I've become so jaded lately with the system. I know I shouldn't be. I should be patient and let things work themselves out but I'm totally and officially over it. I want Mr. T's case to be done and over with. I want to move on and not have a life where I am constantly having to leave work because social workers are coming to the house, or I have to run to visits or court. I honestly went into fostering thinking I was going to do this for the rest of my life. I wanted ...