Fostering The Love In Kansas

Not really but I'm beginning to believe that I'm Chicken Little.  Today is court for Little Man.  We were just at court 3 weeks ago.  The reason we have it again, so soon, is because the parents are supposed to relinquish rights today. I've heard this before.  We've started termination trails twice.  I've had my emotions tossed around.  But I really am tired. I want this to be over. I think we've all come to the conclusion he won't be going back ever.  So, it's not even the thought of that that keeps me awake and emotional.  Today it's just the unknown. But today could make such a difference for us.  Today, we could start a new journey towards adoption. I'm both excited and scared. Excited because I hate this system and I'm ready to be done.  But I'm scared because it'll be done and it'll be just me and him.  And what if I mess him up, what if I hurt him worse, what if I make it worse?  I know I couldn't possibly but i

When you have bio children, if one falls and hurts themselves, you kiss their boo boo and go on with your day. In foster care, we have so many regulations and people watching us.  There are so many things we have to document, we have to share, we have to watch. Even before 8 am today, first blood was drawn.  Mr. T slipped and fell face first.  Busting his lip from the inside.  Mouth full of blood and lots of tears. This has become a very frequent occurrence with Mr. T as he is learning to walk and run and just be a boy. Normal parents wouldn't have a huge amount of anxiety around this type of accident.  But with foster parents, there is documentation, fear of investigation, and even as far as fear of having kids removed. Mr. T was removed from a foster home due to excessive critical incidents before being placed with me and so I have more anxiety than normal due to this.  I probably watch him much closer than I do Little Man.  And I watch Little Man like a hawk. I have ye

Today marks me being a foster parent to my Little Man for 2 years. It's hard to believe it's only been 2 years but then also that there is still so much ahead of us. Here is what I have learned being a foster mom for 2 years: 1. The label "mom" was a hard one for me to wear in the beginning because, in my head, I am not a real mom.  But after 2 years, I am Mom.  I wear that label proud.  I announce my label to anyone who listens.  I've worked really hard to have this relationship with Little Man and I am proud of it. I'm thankful that I have been given this opportunity to become the mother I wanted to be; all because of him. 2. Growth is a constant theme for us.  Not only is he growing physically, but his speech, reading, and writing are leaps and bound better than where he was a year ago.  His personality and sense of humor is growing.  And his sense of self is too.  The growth I see in him is amazing. My Little Man 3. I am not prepared for the

So, I have always wanted a big family.  The idea of gobs of kids running around and being noisy and dirty has never repulsed me.  I love the idea of taking care of people and especially MY people. My heart actually warms with the thought of big family dinners, noise, mess, and just love.  I wanted to be the mother that everyone came over to our house because they would be loved, listened to, and fed.  I wanted my kids to be proud of me as their mother and excited to visit with their families. When I went through the infertility treatments, the thought that I could have multiples with a pregnancy never scared me either because it's my family in one big push.  When that didn't happen, I figured fostering was going to feed that need to feed, love, and (s)mother kids. And it has happened.  I love having two boys.  I love having three bonus kids with the manfriend.  I love working with him and his two teens because I can (s)mother the heck out of them daily!! But the downside

I've been sitting on this feeling for the last week. I didn't want to verbally vomit all over this blog with what happened last week because I was angry, sad, and downright beaten. What should be a countdown to termination has become something I had hoped wouldn't happen. First, I want to say that termination should never be celebrated.  It's a sad eventual outcome that is a blow to any family.  I know that in my instance, Little Man's mom has done all she can do and has come to realize that she just cannot provide for all of her children.  It's a sad time for everyone because she's losing all her kids.  She's losing that tie to her biological children. I am hoping that she will stay in Little Man's life, if not for her benefit, but for him. But that all changed last week when we went to pre-trial.  Dad showed up.  He had been released from jail in April.  Had been in prison the whole time Little Man has been in state custody.  He abandone

On the eve of the pretrial for Little Man's termination, I find myself sad and anxious. I'm sad because it's going to go to termination and Little Man's mother will be losing her 3 children.  This will have been going on for 23 1/2 months by the time the trial happens in August.  His mother has consistently been present but just not able to parent these three high needs kids.  She's been inconsistent with her skills and ability to adapt.  But she's still been here.  She didn't stop showing up (except a few times but no one can really blame her), she has tried. Little Man is going to lose his biological family.  The ties that bind them will be severed forever.  This doesn't mean that there will be no more contact, just that it won't be as consistent as it has been.  I'm sad because a mother is recognizing that she cannot provide and is willing to have someone else take on that burden.  I'm sad because Little Man is losing his other

This isn't a milestone day - we have been placed together for over 22 months but it's not exactly 22 months today. Instead, it's just 675 days that Little Man and I have been together. But it's days, like today, that reminds me of how far we have both come. How much has changed in both of our lives.  Mostly all for the good. Today, Little Man is hanging out with his Amee and Papa because camp is closed this week. He is running through a sprinkler, helping with chores, and running errands.  All totally normal things. I realize, every day, that this is not a normal life though. Every Saturday, he leaves for 24 hours.  He leaves in good condition (physically and mentally) but comes back dirty, smelling of urine, manic and usually in the clothes he went in even though I pack him a bag with a lot of different clothes (pullups, PJ's, underwear, etc).  And it doesn't matter to his case team...we continue to put him in that situation. In 39 days, we go back to c

This milestone in my life is not case related.  But is rather one related to the normalcy of life with Little Man. Today, he is graduating kindergarten.  I may have only cried a little bit when I dropped him off and clutched him enough to make him wriggle a bit but totally bawled when I drove away. He repeated kindergarten because he just wasn't ready for 1st grade last year.  He and I worked really hard over the summer in 2016 to get him to a point where he was going into the 2nd round of kindergarten prepared and really where he needed to be. I didn't have to fight hard to get the school to have him repeat kindergarten.  It was the best thing for him. Everyone could see that. So today is a celebration for not only Little Man but his teachers, his special ed teachers, his para's, and his school.  Everyone worked extremely hard to get him to this point. Look at that grin!

Well, we made it to lunch and had a nice time.  The food was good, I hear.  I wouldn't know because I was trying to cram a PB&J down the throat of a child that asked for it but suddenly "HATES peanut butter and jelly"....in addition to trying to maintain the speed in which Mr. T was demanding food be moving towards his mouth. The minute that deadline wasn't met, we were all plied with screams of "mooppp mooppp" which is his version of "more"....a lot of ol' timers DID NOT think that was cute and endearing. While we made reservations for this quaint little hole in the wall (and it really was good food, honestly) - it was frickin' packed so getting up and around people to go to this buffet was always fun with two littles in my wake.  Because, of course, I couldn't be left alone to make decisions on what I wanted to eat. After lunch, we toodled over to Pamona Lake where my boys were able to sit in the water and sand (half of which

I'd like to report that I slept in, I had breakfast in bed served to me by two wonderful children and a manfriend.  We have lunch plans but I was given the luxury of some alone time where I can soak in the tub, have a fancy cup of coffee and maybe read. I'd like to report that but instead what has happened is this: 6:45 a.m. (A.FUCKING.M) - Little Man comes crashing into my room and plants his knee right into my bladder - jarring me out of bed immediately. 7:07 a.m. - Mr. T is screaming in his crib because he can hear with his supersonic ears, that Little Man and I are awake and doing things without him. 7:45 a.m. - Mr. T has started his breakfast and I have started Little Man and I on an art project for my mother and Manfriend's mother - to be presented at lunch. 8:32 a.m. - first breakfast over and art project just about done - Mr. T takes first dump of the day and requires a bath.  I've started a load of laundry 8:55 a.m. - second breakfast has begun for

I talked about you today....for like the millionth, hundredth, billionth time.  I talked to a room full of people about why I wanted to be your mommy. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to be anyone's mommy.  But now, after 614 days, I want to be YOUR mommy. The venue - Liberty Hall in Lawrence, KS I talked about how hard it was to come to terms with not being a mother.  How I didn't feel like I fit into a preconceived notion of what a mother was. And the whole time, I saw your crooked smile...your floppy hair that is starting to look suspiciously like a mullet...the way you look at me out of the corner of your eye when you are picking your nose.... And I told them how smart you were and how big you are getting.  I think they could hear the pride in my voice when I talked about how funny you are and how nice you look when you dress yourself. Today I talked about how much I struggle to wear the title Mommy with you but you never struggle to call me Mommy.

So, here is what I have learned from being a foster mom to 2 boys for 2 weeks. 1. Honestly, I need to buy a dairy cow. The amount of milk I am going through is insane. 2. My attention is being pulled in many different directions and it's not just Little Man that is adjusting to this, my poor fat Aspen is struggling too. 3. What once was easy is now much much harder. I can no longer just pick up, with one kid, and go. It takes flow diagrams, bribery, and masters in packing to get these two out the door without me having to turn around because I forgot something. 4. Little Man is adjusting and learning to share....who am I kidding?!?! That's a lie. 5. I have never been more sleep depraved, dirty, and plain physically exhausted....but I am so incredibly fulfilled. Don't even get me started on diapers and why my house smells like poop and pee all the time now.

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom to TWO kids for 7 days: 1. While sibling rivalry is normal, it is exhausting to have to juggle the time that Little Man needs (and is demanding right now) and helping Mr. T feel comfortable in his new home. I know these two are going to get along wonderfully in the future but right now I have to remind Little Man we can't leave Mr. T at the zoo, he absolutely has to come home with us. 2. I was excited to get a young child  until I remembered diapers. I realized it will be another year of diapers with Mr. T and that's depressing. 3. My house was small with just me and Aspen but manageable. It got a bit smaller with Little Man but still manageable. Got a bit cramped anytime Manfriend came over but tolerable. NOW, with two kids, two dogs, a hedgehog, a tarantula, and manfriend (and kids)....this house is too small. 4. It is so much fun to see Little Man move into a caretaker role with Mr. T. He wants to push the

Several months ago, Little Man was diagnosed with severe ADHD.  It's not a surprise, at all. Lately, his "quirkiness" is coming out.  I think he's feeling safe and can now "become" himself.  Which means, he starts to show his personality.  And I'm concerned. He is extremely high energy.  We all knew that from the beginning but it seems like it's getting almost manic.  He can't slow down fast enough to catch himself before he hurts himself or others, break things, or just generally get in trouble. What I hate is that I'm considering putting him on medication.  His school is working with him to keep him on track but they struggle, daily.  I struggle to keep him from spiraling to the point where he harms himself, me, other or just generally makes bad decisions. But at some point, I have to help him focus and slow down.  We used to take deep breathes (4 of them) and that was something I had hoped he would take on himself and use

Growth is normal in everything.  I know my knowledge grows constantly, along with my waistline and love of salty foods. With Little Man, the growth is hard to measure sometimes.  I see where he has grown physically. Growth is still growth That's 4 inches in 18 months.  So there is growth with him.  I see that physically. What can't be seen physically is the emotional and intellectual growth that I see in him all the time.  No exaggeration, it's daily.  His list of likes and dislikes grows.  His vocabulary is growing.  His attitude is growing. And just when I think we take some steps back in behaviors, he has a day where he opens doors for people, he says Please and Thank You, and he says he loves me every chance he gets.  This, by far, out weighs the days he is loud, out of control, and downright angry.  Those days I don't see the growth. I also know that my love for him grows by leaps and bounds daily.  I don't remember a time before him,

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 575 days (roughly 19 months): Boys bring farts, boogers, and indescribable smells. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I've decided I'm a boy mom. I used to shy away from being called a mom because I didn't feel like a true mom. And while that still nags at the back of my mind, I am a mom to this boy who won't stop calling me mom! I don't remember a time where I wasn't thinking about Little Man. His smells (when he's clean he smells like maple syrup), the sound of his laugh, the way he walks, and the way he snuggles with me every morning. I have come to realize that I NEED to be a mother. I cannot be childless in the future. My overprotectiveness of Little Man MAY be a tad overbearing and I need to let him make mistakes. In other words, I need to learn to chill out on these kindergarten girls that think they know my kiddo and can boss him around.

I've been looking forward to this week.  Mostly because I signed Little Man up for camp at our local zoo.  The same zoo we go to almost every weekend in the summer and he's almost on first name basis with most of the staff because he's got some kind of power over people. I'm not sure they are ready for him, though. I mean, he won't be difficult(ish). It's just that he feels things need to be done in a certain timeframe, way, and with a certain attention to detail.  My biggest example is how he likes to tell me how I'm driving the wrong way to our destination like he's driven it a million times. But, I'm also afraid it won't keep his attention long enough and he'll get bored which also equals him getting in trouble.  I know they are prepared for kids and behaviors but I worry. Of course, this morning was like every other morning where I have to bribe, beg, and then finally physically remove him from bed...but the difference was that I ac