Day Sixteen
9/16/2015
I am tired....
Like, so tired that I'm too tired to sleep, tired.
I briefly considered letting Little Man just fend for himself and I lock myself in the bedroom with headphones and Xanax...
I threw around the idea that I could drop him off at a friends house (or a neighbor) and leave for the evening...
I even (not really) thought about a Benadryl and milk concoction.
I ended up just feeding him, bathing him, playing with him and putting him to bed as normal. I yawned more, I forgot to buy a few things when we stopped at the store, I'm fairly certain I won't get a shower tonight but my Little Man knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is loved, fed and cared for. And almost as if he knew it, he was wound up tight tonight and just wanted to wrestle, run and be loud.
But my body is worn out, my brain is not firing and I'm missing things. I stay up late to clean the house, wash the dishes, do work and generally do the things I don't want to do because then Little Man won't have my whole attention. Add that to the fact it's hard for me to fall asleep anyway and I'm tired.
I knew this wasn't going to be easy. And I'm not scared of a challenge. But the sheer amount of fatigue I have at this very minute makes me want to cry. But I am also very happy with where I am in my life.
In my 41 years on this planet, I hope I have never made a mother feel that the sacrifices she has had to make were not recognized. I still have a hard time calling myself a mother but I am starting to understand what it really means to not be totally fed, clothed or rested but to love another human being more than ones self.
I am tired....
Like, so tired that I'm too tired to sleep, tired.
I briefly considered letting Little Man just fend for himself and I lock myself in the bedroom with headphones and Xanax...
I threw around the idea that I could drop him off at a friends house (or a neighbor) and leave for the evening...
I even (not really) thought about a Benadryl and milk concoction.
I ended up just feeding him, bathing him, playing with him and putting him to bed as normal. I yawned more, I forgot to buy a few things when we stopped at the store, I'm fairly certain I won't get a shower tonight but my Little Man knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is loved, fed and cared for. And almost as if he knew it, he was wound up tight tonight and just wanted to wrestle, run and be loud.
But my body is worn out, my brain is not firing and I'm missing things. I stay up late to clean the house, wash the dishes, do work and generally do the things I don't want to do because then Little Man won't have my whole attention. Add that to the fact it's hard for me to fall asleep anyway and I'm tired.
I knew this wasn't going to be easy. And I'm not scared of a challenge. But the sheer amount of fatigue I have at this very minute makes me want to cry. But I am also very happy with where I am in my life.
In my 41 years on this planet, I hope I have never made a mother feel that the sacrifices she has had to make were not recognized. I still have a hard time calling myself a mother but I am starting to understand what it really means to not be totally fed, clothed or rested but to love another human being more than ones self.
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