Fostering The Love In Kansas

Here is what I have learned after being a foster mom for 120 days (4 months): 1.  My fear is that this thin line I've drawn between utter adoration for Little Man and keeping in mind that this is a job and that he could go back to his mother at any time is vanishing quickly.  2.  Laughter of a boy who is super ticklish is utterly contagious. Especially when it flows so much easier now.  3.  Victories, no matter how small, shall be celebrated with high 5's and giggling.  4.  Anger, in Little Man's body, burns my handsome boy out like a wick of a candle. Bright and long. It takes intervention to cease the flames of rage. That and epic pillow fights and wrestling matches.  5.  It's not just me that sees this Little Man and the potential. The team that is climbing aboard this journey grows on a daily basis. You can't help but love this boy with his infectious grin and sense of humor that delights. 

Little Man doesn't understand Christmas. I don't know if it's because he never had a Christmas or because he just doesn't understand it since he's developmentally delayed. I don't know, but I'm trying very hard to bring him a Christmas he'll remember. Just as I overpack, I may have overdone on the presents part. I always have for those that I care about.  I agonized for days about the wrapping, but it was all over with in less than 5 minutes.  But I think he enjoyed it.  We then went to my parent's house where he was spoiled even more.  I don't know if he understands Christmas but I do know he now understands opening gifts. We also did Christmas Eve service where he was an angel in the nativity.  My boy is a handsome man. I am hoping for many more Christmas's together to teach him about what Christmas is and how much he is loved.

So I really want to write a nasty post about Little Man's first visit with his mom in 3 months but it would be, in no way, objective unbiased or nice. I'm still dealing with some regression and anger issues - almost a week later. What I will write about is Christmas with my extended family and Little Man.  We left very early Saturday morning for a 6-hour drive to Northern Iowa.  I know Little Man has a short attention span for some things but a long one for others.  I just didn't know what to expect.  For 2 1/2 days of a visit, I tried to anticipate every need or want he may have for the long drive, being around strange people and then another long drive back. I have been known to be an over-packer.  We had a small car and two other people going.  It was not fun fitting all of it in there. We spent 2 days with my brother and his family.  They met him for the first time and just like everyone else that meets him, they fell in love with him.  The memories h

Last week, Little Man had his first visitation with his mom in over 3 months.  I'll try to keep my biased opinion to myself, but I also know that I really can't do that either. What I can say is that he came back home full of anger and energy.  He came back and announced "Mom, I'm home" His transportation lady told me that his bio mom kept harrassing him as he was getting in the car to call her Mommy and say "I love you Mommy" but he never did. He came home with a $20 gift card from his bio mother.  No gifts, just a gift card. He came home to me and was happy to see me. We have more visits in the future.  He is supposed to visit with his bio mother and siblings every two weeks on Thursdays from 3:30 pm until 5:30 pm.  This means he has to leave school early and won't be home until almost bed time.  His siblings are 3 hours away from the visitation so they'll miss almost half a day of school and won't be back until majorly late. But

What they don't tell you or train you for in foster care, is the sheer exhaustion you're going to feel not only mentally and physically but emotionally. For those that are doing this with a spouse or significant other, I can't imagine the strain that it takes on a relationship.  For myself, being a single foster parent, I'm constantly tired. There's only so much that I can ask friends and family to do and I feel guilty even asking what I do. I know that this was my choice, my choice to take on a child at the age of 40. Never mind the fact that taking on a foster child comes with its own issues.   The amount of time it takes to win a child over in the foster care system is enormous but also completely dependent on the child The days where my patience is so thin that I'm nailbiting my way just to get to the end of the day are getting more and more. I don't know if it's because I'm just tired and it's taking its toll or because it's just pil

I met with Little Man's teachers and therapists this week.  I had a friend of the family who is a retired special needs teacher with me, his foster agency therapist and his social worker at the table too.  There are so many people advocating for this little guy, it's amazing. It never ceases to amaze me how many people are rooting for him. On the phone was his mom.  I'll admit, I did not want her there or even having any say in this. I know that's not right or nice.  I know that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way.  She is not advocating for him and I'll explain that further later, but I will say that I was actually able to keep my cool and talk to her on the phone, at one point, because she wasn't able to understand what was being said. I was able to reassure her that he is doing well and that he will continue to do well. His IEP is totally different from his first three.  It shows how far he has come in the little amount of time he's been

So, I know it's normal for kids to get hurt.  It's not unusual for them to fall down and hurt themselves. I get that....but what I have a hard time with it that seems to happen more often for Little Man than I would like.  And it's not really happening a lot with him, I just don't want him hurting. The Friday after Thanksgiving, Little Man was hopping all over the couch.  He was amped up and was trying to get "doggy" to play with him.  As soon as I said "be careful", he nose dived off the couch and hit the corner of the coffee table.  Effectively putting a very neat hole in his cheek. He usually is very "tough" and just needs a kiss to make it better.  But the screams and tears were just so heartbreaking.  I grabbed him and went to the bathroom to get a better look.  He was starting to really bleed at that point so I think I totally lost my shit then. I feel like I am a fairly calm person under pressure. I don't react, I tend to l

So I was recently asked to write an article for a new magazine coming out in 2016 that centers around foster and adoption.  I guess I talk about anger a lot with Little Man, so much so that I was asked to talk about how we deal with anger.   I thought I would give you a small taste of what I wrote.  I've edited out the first part because it's pretty redundant for those of you that have been reading from the beginning. I don’t think any amount of training you get with your foster organization is ever going to be enough to prepare you. I mean, “real moms and dads” don’t have even that amount of training, but the fragile mental and physical condition of our foster kids is not something your average parent has to deal with.  The betrayal, the anger, the fear and the sadness is incredible.  I don’t know what Little Man had to endure in the first 5 years of his life. I know that he is considered the difficult and not normal one by his bio mother.  I know that i

Just knowing isn't always helpful.  But at this point, I don't even really know. I know that Little Man is different. He has "quirks" that are sometimes cute and sometimes straining.  In my experience with others, I see the tendencies of autism in him.  Small, but there. While there is no diagnosis yet (and that's a whole nother rant), it's been determined that he most likely is on the spectrum.  On the flip side of that, he's also very bright for his age.  He's just missing the ability to be aware of social cues. A few weeks ago, we had had some major regressions.  Between the potty training (went out the window completely) and back to baby talk.  It was a week where I've just let him be. While there has been some regression, he has been so good.  He is nothing more than a people pleaser really.  And if I give him tasks to do, he really enjoys it. I took him to work with me one time and he was so happy to be outside and running around.  

I've noticed something the last couple of days.  Little Man seems to be responding differently to me.  Now, it could be me or it could be him or it could be a combination of both but I'm grateful for it. The meltdowns are less and definitely not as intense.  I don't remember the last time he checked out and was just not present.  I know the last time he tested my patience and my resolve.  I know the last time he told me "NO" and then promptly apologized.  But the last time we had an out and out tantrum is far in the past. Why?  Probably because I have calmed down.  I let far more slide off me than I had in the past few weeks.  We still have our moments of contest of wills, but they are less intense and stressful. I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm trying new things to help his anger and frustration.  And, in turn, my anger and frustration. He hasn't actually had a time out in weeks.  I threaten them, but he immediately apologizes and

Today I celebrate having Little Man for 90 days.  In those short amount of days, I have learned this: 1. In the past, I would have argued you can't fall in love with someone that quickly.  How wrong I am. You can give someone your heart in a relatively short amount of time. 2. Sometimes, not knowing how to deal with behaviors means you're open to advice, opinions and trying unorthodox things. 3. Real fear is when your child is hurting and you can do nothing about it. 4. When I am told that the chances of Little Man going back to his mother are ZERO, my heart overflows, and my hope is reignited that this little man is going to be mine. I just need to be patient. 5. Christmas is a foreign concept to Little Man (as was Halloween and Thanksgiving), but I am thoroughly enjoying seeing holidays through his eyes. Little Man is getting more and more comfortable with me, his home, his doggie and his family.  He loves his Amee and Papa.  He loves his Fi.  He loves his church

So, Halloween was a first for Little Man.  While it didn't go as planned, I know he still enjoyed what we did. Christmas is another thing he just doesn't understand.  It first started in WalMart, when I would see the Christmas trees and ask him about them.  While he's not able to verbalize a lot, he still never seemed to understand what Christmas was. Last night, we had a box on our porch with a Christmas tree in it.  He wanted to put it up and so I went out to the garage and got lights and ornaments.  He was so excited to put the tree up. He still doesn't quite know what Christmas is and I think it's a combination of never having a Christmas because his family could never afford it but also a portion of it is because of the developmental issues. I have planned to wrap 25 books and he can open one each night starting December 1st.  He's really gotten into reading a few books each night and I want to encourage that further.  Most of them are going

While I'm going to go over our day, the last bit of our day is what I am on cloud 9 with.  As I've said before, being a foster parent means that I have to be run through the wringer at least once a month.  Today was a day of meetings, walk throughs and appointments. Little Man woke up in a good mood and was in an even better mood that he didn't have to go to school.  What started as a good mood morphed into an amped up 5-year-old. When Little Man has an audience, he definitely likes to put on a show and today he had a massive audience. The morning started with not one, not two but three women in our home checking on him.  His caseworker, my caseworker and his therapist.  These monthly visits consist of him showing them all his toys, his bedroom and sometimes his underwear. What it's supposed to consist of, is to make sure he is safe (checking that my medicines are locked up, there are no knives in his bed, and he isn't living in the shed in the backyard), he

This morning, I was reminded that Little Man is not always going to be a typical 5-year-old and some mornings are hard.  He woke up in a bad mood and non-verbal. Not sure what prompted it but I kept us to our schedule as though nothing was different. I needed him to know that the world that we have together is going to continue whether he is in the mood for it or not. He made this one day at school a few weeks ago so I put it on him and told him it was his protection from the world. I don't know if he understood it, but he held my hand tight on the walk to school and asked for a 'kiss hug' before he went in.  He hasn't let me walk him all the way to the school doors since, like day 3, so I knew he was feeling a bit vulnerable. My heart aches for the pain I see in him sometimes but I have to believe that after 85 days with me, the pain is a little bit less.  He came home in a better mood and it was made even better because we took a walk with doggy, we saw Am

Hold on folks...this is going to be a long and bumpy post....and I'm trying to not write this with too much anger. But I'll fail miserably. Tonight I received a call from my KVC worker letting me know that her director contacted her to tell her to have me take my blog down.  She made some mild accusations that I had his name on it (which I don't) and that there was his likeness up (which I have always made sure his face was covered).  They are grasping at straws. They didn't like that I was interviewed by the news, but I never said anything negative about them.  They don't like that I'm blogging about my experiences, although I've never been negative about them.  But you can bet that I will not be so kind in the future when I talk about them. My immediate, knee-jerk reaction, was to tell them to suck it.  I am not one for being told to do something...I know that this is bullying and I do not like to be bullied. The problem is, I was also told by my w

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 79 days: The things I take for granted (holidays, clothing, food) are not something Little Man takes for granted.  He doesn't understand Christmas so we are talking about it a lot at home.  I will be honest, Christmas time is always a very depressing time for me.  But I think this year is going to be a good one because I'll be able to show him what it's about (family, friends and giving) A haircut makes a little boy look so different.  Little Man had his first hair cut with me on Monday and he looks like a little adult man.  I find myself staring at him because I don't recognize him at first.  My heart tripped a bit when I think of all the hearts he is going to break. His level of dependency and love for me seems to have deepened.  He asks me to do things for him and he brings me things to show me.  The trust we are building together is starting to prove to him that he's safe. My deaf dog Aspen is

So, daily routines are such a necessity with us.  Some of them are not as fun as others.  But the one that I have started to kind of get a kick out of is what I've started calling "the pat down". Each day, after school, I have to shake down my 5-year-old. 'Assume the position Little Man'. This was today's booty. Each morning, I send them back in a baggie in his backpack with an apology. Other routines are not as fun....like making him sit on the potty every time he eats something, as soon as he wakes up, etc...I've got to believe it's going to get better but right now, he just sees it as one more thing he has to do...we repeat (repeatedly) "if you need to go potty, what do you say?" "Mommy, toilet!" But he never does.  It's great to say you'll do it but to actually get him to think about doing it, is another thing.

So, without going into detail because I can't...I had to call DCF today to report an incident with Little Man.  I'm not going to talk about the incident or any part that may come after this call.  What I am going to talk about is how powerless I feel. My Little Man goes out into this world and a lot of the time I am there to shield and protect him.  But sometimes I'm not there and those times he is just so vulnerable. My Little Man is every bully's dream target - he is naive and trusting.  He's a huge people pleaser and doesn't understand evil or abuse.  I imagine he feels like he deserves what he gets. What I have to do, from here on out, is change his mind.  Tell him every day how wonderful and smart and funny and worth fighting for he is. I have to explain evil and abuse to him so he'll understand that it's not OK for people to treat him wrongly. I have to no longer shield him from things so he'll learn to stand up for himself. But my

So, one sign that Little Man is actually quite smart is that he knows his letters, colors, and numbers. He may not be able to sing the alphabet song or spell words out yet, but he definitely knows them. In kindergarten, you need to be able to understand the letter sound and put it with what the letter is.  He didn't know that.  He also couldn't spell basic words or even recognize words. I had bought these letter/picture puzzle pieces before Little Man came to me.  And it was one of the first things he gravitated to. But he never put the pieces together - figuratively and literally.  He loves the pictures and he loves the letters, but he never understood that they went together. Until today...the lightbulb came on and it was awesome!  Since he was home sick today, he spent most of the day taking them apart and putting back together.  We worked on him looking at the first letter on the picture and finding it.  He got so excited and he understood it. And just for

While Shan is taking a break from blogging to clean the vomit off of herself and deal with a streppy Lil’ man, I, Fi, have taken it upon myself to stick my nose in her business like any good friend should and write a post for her blog. Introductions, Hi everyone, you can call me Fi. I have been a foster aunt to Lil’ man for a little over 2 months now and a friend to Shan for about 3 years.  By far, both have been a most rewarding experience. I say this because I have had a front row seat to watching Shan and bub fall in love with each other. I remember when Shan first solidified her plans to go through with the foster parent training. She often told me about her classes and what she was learning and what she expected out of the experience. As most things go, the training still didn’t prepare her for what she was about to go through. I knew that I was going to be there for her, but I have the advantage of leaving, clocking out and saying bye-bye .  Shan does not. When L il

Tonight is the first time I have seriously thought about quitting.  I'm afraid this is going to be a long post, so I apologize now. It started bright and early today.  We got up, but I could tell Little Man wasn't ready to be up yet.  It took a couple of attempts to get out of bed but even then he wasn't really awake. Today was picture day at school.  I had his outfit picked out. We had talked about it for a few days, to prepare him for a slight change in the day. We went to brush his teeth and he upended the cup of water in his face and down the front of him.  He wanted to change because he hates being wet but he was just wet, not dirty and I wanted him in the outfit he had on.  Well, that was it...almost like he was spoiling for a fight. An utter and complete meltdown happened.  Screaming, crying, hitting and then he shut down. I picked him up and sat him on the toilet and attempted to put a cold washcloth on his face because he was red and puffy...but he start

This weekend, we did the one thing I have wanted to do since I was licensed to be a foster parent.  We got a library card for him.  The first couple of weeks I had him, he wouldn't sit through me reading more than a page or two to him.  But since he's started school, he's actually asked me to read to him and I could not be happier!  I told myself that I would be the "mom" that read a couple of books to her kids every night and I was sad when Little Man didn't take to it.  But now, we have been reading every night and he even picked out a few of the books himself. Had to start reading when we drove home This weekend was also Halloween.  Now Little Man doesn't understand Halloween.  We watched cartoons, we read books, we talked about it...but he never really understood it.  He got that he was able to wear a costume and that is something he loves to do, but he doesn't get the core concept of the holiday (it seems to be the same with Christmas too).

So I was asked by Little Man's teacher to meet with her after school today.  Only 3 days in and I'm being brought in...I honestly had a stabbing moment of fear that I forgotten something in his backpack or had done something wrong...like I was being called into the principle's office. But it turns out that my initial concerns with putting Little Man in kindergarten are confirmed.  After 3 days, his teacher is not sure he's mentally capable of being in kindergarten. He just doesn't understand what is being asked of him in class, he can't comprehend what they are doing.  He just isn't there. He is struggling and it's just stressing him out.  Which I see...he has huge dark circles under his eyes, he's angry and he's tired. My options are now limited.  I've called to ask the principle for a meeting. I have to call the group that does assessments and request them to reassess him rather than go off an old IEP. But since he's 5, it&#

I know that people always say that the 2nd day is always the worst after a workout and surgery, etc....well the 2nd day of kindergarten was the worst! This morning, we walked to school and I took him into the gym where breakfast is served.  He took his backpack off, got his milk and then proceeded to try to walk to the front of the line.  He was told to get in line a few times before he finally figured out what they wanted from him.  And when I started to leave I hear "No, Mommy...wait" and he looked so pathetic and sad. I said I had to go to work and that he needed to go to school and eat breakfast.  He kept calling after me "bye mommy" with those puppy dog eyes....he got me the first couple of times and I said bye back but then I realized he was stalling me so I just turned and left.  Man...he knows the buttons. When I got him from school, he was so excited to see me.  Yelled "Mommy" and ran towards me.  I'll admit, my heart leaped when he did

I'm coming to realize that the only limitations that Little Man has, are usually ones I envision for him.  I was really concerned about his first day of school.  But he did great.  He got a little overwhelmed when we made it to his classroom and I told him no when he wanted to run over to a bucket of letters.  He started to pout, but I quickly diverted his attention. I left him there and walked home.  I didn't cry (much) after that but I worried all day.  Not because I thought he would be harmed but that he would be too much for them.  I did get an email from his teacher half way through the day and she pretty much told me what I was worried to hear.  He's seriously behind and they are going to have to evaluate how to deal with that. And it's not academically that he's behind but that his motor skills are like a 2-year-old.  He uses his index finger and thumb almost exclusively to eat and pick things up, he doesn't know how to hold a pencil or scissors.  He

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 56 days (8 weeks!!!): 1. While I don't subscribe to the gender roles necessarily, Little Man is a boy through and through. He wants to be dirty, he wants to make lots of noise, and he really has zero issue with putting his fingers in his nose. He's gross and dirty and smelly (oh lord the smells). 2. I struggle with calling myself a Mom and Little Man my son. But the more mom's I talk to make me realize that just becaus e I didn't pop him out doesn't mean I'm not a mom. 3. I found myself standing around last week with a group of mom's and I was a part of this group. I could exchange stories and ask for advice. I'm trying to not cry about this but I have wanted to be a mom for awhile and I am...I'm Little Man's mommy. Thank you, ladies, for that.  4. While I thought it was pretty awesome that he calls me mommy...the best thing was when he told me he loved me without prompting

So, I've been sober for almost 8 years.  I have had my fair share of hangovers, believe you me...but I also knew how to deal with them. I had a routine down on how to combat them.  If I had drunk hard liquor, I knew to feed my hangover.  If it was wine, I would just make myself throw up.  But the biggest weapon in my arsenal when dealing with an alcoholic hangover was sleep. Lots and lots of glorious sleep. But these weekends with Little Man are giving me hangovers of a more draining and exhaustive type.  I mean, I kind of assumed we'd slow down on the amount of 'going' we did because we'd get a routine or run out of things to do or something. But we haven't and there doesn't seem to be a chance of slowing down any time soon. And I'm tired.  It's a deep exhaustion that I'm learning doesn't get touched by actual sleep. It's the exhaustion of recovering from one of his meltdowns, having to deal with the side effects of someone being s