Fostering The Love In Kansas

So, I realized that most of my posts have been kind of downers and I don't really talk about the "normal" things...and when I say normal, I guess for me.  Because I've never had kids, nothing is "normal" but I tend to think the days he eats his own boogers and poops on his own are kinda normal. But the thing with Little Man is that while he is chronologically 6, he's closer to 4 mentally and socially.  But I believe he's catching up. So much so that I feel like I'm going through some terrible two's and three's...not to mention fournager years too.  He's sassy, he's opinionated, and he's LOUD. Part of it is because he's socially aware. He sees other kids acting out and saying things and gets bold.  If he had better control of his eyes, he would be constantly rolling them at me. As it is, he briefly shuts them, as though saying "mother, this pains me as to how dense you are"... And don't even get me sta

Back in October, it was determined that permanency was going to be extended until January.  It's now a little less than a month until then and what I had assumed was going to happen has not. When I worked at the agency, I knew what I would have done as the worker to make sure Little Man went home as close to the court date in January (within means and barring any issues). His social worker was chastised for not being consistent with transportation and visits.  So, naturally I assumed visits would happen more frequently and over Christmas break, we would start overnights. Visits started more frequently but are less consistent than before.  He hasn't seen his siblings or mother in a month. Most of the visits were the ones I would drive him there and back because his worker would forget to put in transport. Last visit was supposed to be a long one but the worker decided to change it to a short one because she messed up transport again. That was the last one we had... N

Oye Vey...today was shit.  He went to a visit. It was a short one. I prepped him last night that he was going to go see his siblings and bio mom. He repeatedly said no. I then changed it to just his siblings and he agreed.  Fast forward to this morning and the day started great with snuggles and cartoons and when the driver showed up, I promised him we'd put the Christmas tree up when he got back. He was excited.  Which we did. And took a few pictures outside. Then the shit seemed to explode.  It started with me asking him if he had lunch. In the past, me asking questions about food would shut him down but not recently. It did today and seemed to have triggered something. He went manic.  A lot of old behaviors came back. Anger, my old friend,  showed up and he started yelling and hitting things. All this pent up energy found escape and he broke things. He hasn't had this kind of behavior in a really long time. He hit me, the dog, and himself. I can't pun

Back in October, the permanency hearing was continued another 90 days.  Mostly, because I believe that the agency wanted to give bio mom a chance to get more visits in.   We now have visit's every Saturday.    Some I have to take him to the visit. Meaning, I drive an hour, sit for 6 hours, and then drive an hour home. But the real bummer is that I'm being told that at the hearing in January, it will probably be determined that Little Man will go home.  His GAL completely changed his decision and stated that mom was doing everything asked of her so he was OK with it.  The lawyers are all saying the same thing. The thing is....there is no bond between his mom and him.  I've actually seen her with him.  She will walk the other two to their car and hug and kiss them but doesn't do the same to my guy.  And he sees me at his mom.  She is his siblings mom.  He has been able to articulate that to me.  I'm his mommy.....that's E and Z's mommy. What do I do abou

So I haven't done one of these for awhile, but here is what I've learned from being a foster mom for 444 days. 1. The village constantly changes but the support stays the same. 2. Fears I personally had (spiders) don't matter when your 6-year-old WANTS/NEEDS a tarantula. 3. There are phases that kids go through that make you feel helpless and sad. Others make you feel like pulling your hair out. Little Man and I argued this morning about the year. It was about 5 minutes in when I realized I was arguing with someone who can't put socks on. 4. Self care is important but impossible to achieve. I need a haircut, massage and sleep but it won't happen. 5. Walking Little Man to school is still my favorite thing.

So, back in June, I started talking to a gentleman. Usually, for me, talking does not equate dating. Because dating in your 40's and using on-line services usually, equates douche bags. But for some reason, this guy got through the defenses and we've been exclusive for over 4 months now. So this brought about a whole new complexity to being a foster parent. I mean, how do you have a conversation with someone about the fact that "I can go on a date or two with you but I hope you know that eventually, you're going to have to go through a very intrusive background check, along with your kids (all of them)." But he did it.  Everything I've asked him to do, he's done.  Every horror story I've tried to scare him off with has been met with a nod and "OK" And Little Man has been pretty good with it.  We've had some regression on anger and the need for constant attention.  But he also has a new man to look up to.  He's become very op

For the last year, I have been engaged in this battle with the foster system, with social workers, with bio parent, and with the courts.  I currently am battled out.  I don't want to fight anymore. I just want them to see how wonderful Little Man is and how much better off he is with me. This is neither appropriate nor what may be the truth.  Maybe he is better off with his bio mother.  Everyone deserves a second chance. But my gut is telling me differently and my heart is hurting. Court was on Tuesday and it has been pretty unanimously decided that Little Man will be going home.  While they gave mom 90 days extension, visits will be ramping up and overnights will start.  He is going home to his bio mother. I have 90 days to make him remember how smart he is, how brave he is and how much worth he has. The GAL lied to me and said he was still against it but stood up in court and said that Mom has done everything asked of her and he has no issues with reunification. I have to w

I have been a foster parent to Little Man for one year today.  Here is what I have learned being a foster parent for 365 days. 1. This will never get easier but it is worth it. 2. Life changes when you assume it's going to be just you and this other little person. Enjoy it and embrace it. Because I need others and change is good. And having someone looking after me is kind of nice. 3. Denial is how I am operating now but I also know that I need to face the chances of Little Man going back to his bio mother.  So I know I need help, professionally.  Getting someone to talk with and work through issues is important to my mental well-being. I shouldn't count on things just "working out" nor should I depend on my friends and family getting me through things. 4. Changes in Little Man come and go but when there are changes, they are HUGE.  The amount of vocabulary he has now, compared to a year ago (or even a month ago) is astounding.  His need to know things grows a

So through this whole process, I've kind of always villanized the people that had Little Man's siblings.  They were kin to the kids (albeit distant) but didn't want my guy.  No one wanted him. Fast forward 353 days and those siblings are no longer with kin because they are so high needs.  And yet, Little Man has improved and grown....anywhoooooo So, the family that had his siblings and I have started talking a few months ago. Just before they had his siblings removed.  And I can honestly say that we are all on the same page about the bio parents not being able to handle all three kids.  And I learned a lot about the family, as a whole.  I no longer wish them ill will but I'm still very hesitant around sharing things with them.  Especially now that they no longer have a dog in this fight. Last night, I spoke with the father and we talked about some issues he's run into. He seems to have decided his goal in life is to destroy Little Man's mom and dad.  Again

I saw his diagnosis instead of his face today I saw the way that he couldn't focus, I saw the way that he was out of control, I saw how he flitted from subject to subject. I didn't see my handsome little man. I didn't see the way he saw things in a light that I will never see them. I didn't see his laughter, his joy, his happiness. I saw him being a nuisance. I saw him making a spectacle of himself. I saw the embarrassment that other had for us. I'm tired. Not 'give up' tired. But definitely discouraged tired. It's a lot to deal with, on top of the foster system, working 40+ hours, maintaining a semblance of a romantic relationship and friendships (and probably failing), extra-curricular activities, and a side business. I'm failing....and hard. Even having a night to be an adult doesn't cure this exhaustion. Sleep doesn't touch it.  And yes, I know I asked to do this. This was my choice and I get that, others don't see why this shou

Yesterday was court for Little Man. And it was a permanency hearing so I honestly thought we would be moving forward.  Instead....the unthinkable happened. First, I was made to leave the court room because his bio mom's lawyer said I had no right to be there. Then, it when on for over 30 minutes when it has never gone on that long. And the GAL wouldn't tell me much other than we go back in October but that it didn't go well. So, here is what I know.  Mom adamantly denies drinking during any of her pregnancies and demanded to call the doctor that diagnosed 2 of her 3 kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrom (Little Man is in the process of being diagnosed and even his case manager says "he, definitely, has it"). So the judge has required that mom be allowed to call the doctor and talk to them about it. What wasn't said but is implied is that after October 4th, there is no reason to not send Little Man and his siblings home to her. As a matter of fact, all visits a

Hope is such a slippery slope.  On the one hand, you want that hope. You need to cling to the hope because otherwise, what's the point. But on the other hand, to have that hope is to live in a world of unknown and fear.  That's the world I'm living in now. My Little Man's siblings are living with kin.  The cousins of their father. My Little Man's father. These kin are big scary monsters to me because I envision them abusing my Little Man. These were the people I sent him to in November for a few hours to visit his siblings and he came back with signs of sexual abuse.  I didn't want to think it was his siblings that may have done that to him. I wanted to believe the monsters were adults. But I digress....the reason I mention the cousins is because they reached out to me a few weeks ago to discuss the case. I'll be honest, I've been living in denial for a long time after the visit from his case workers in June. This impending doom that he's poten

In this crazy business of fostering (and definitely in foster to adopt), there are no certainties.  Never beleive, for a second, anything is FOR SURE.  Not until the ink is dry on the decree. I'm still trying to process what happened yesterday.  What was said.  I feel like I've shut down a bit because I don't want to believe it. Little Man and I had our monthly meeting with his case manager.  I'll be honest, I've gotten a bit cocky about the future with Little Man.  We are set to go to termination and I've started making plans.  Which I know I should never ever do. I was told yesterday that his case manager is recommending that Little Man and his siblings be sent home by the end of the year. Nevermind that she is mentally not capable of supporting and challenging three kids. Nevermind that she can't financially support herself, let alone another 3 children. Nevermind that I have fallen so deeply in love with my Little Man that the though

I remember when I was in kindergarten, 1st grade and having field day.  The running, potato sack races and tug of war. It was always how you celebrated the end of the school year and you got to be outside rather than in the classroom. This week, Little Man had his field day and I was so lucky to get to attend it.  Now, you all may remember Little Man and soccer.  He was super excited to do it but for only about 20 minutes.  The way the school set it up, the "upper classman" were manning all the stations and each class moved between 10 stations for roughly 2 hours.  As you can imagine, he lasted about 3 stations before he walked over to me and stood there asking to go home. Never mind, he still had the whole 2nd half of the day to do even after all 10 of the stations. I really had to get him back in the group but once he was focused and I started helping him through all of the stations, he had a blast.  And it brought back so many memories for me.  And it made me reflect o

Can we take a minute to talk about how expensive daycare is?  I mean, I know I want quality and safe daycare for Little Man. I want him engaged and learning. I want him to do things and expand his mind. But I don't want to pay for that. It's a horrible double standard.  I completely understand that I need to pay for what I want.  I guess I should say I CAN'T pay for that. I wish I could. What I also struggle with is finding good quality daycare that will take DCF payments.  It's hard to find and in my area.  There is this perception that DCF payments equate poor people.  But with the costs of daycare, your average person can't afford daycare all the time. The "nice part" of fostering, is that I do get help with daycare costs.  My agency pays roughly $2 an hour for daycare. Which is insanely low and doesn't cover much of the cost.  But it does help. When your average person, who doesn't have assistance, pays $150 a week...what does that leav

I have been a foster mom for 252 days (9 months) and this is what I have learned: 1. Not unlike a pregnancy, I feel like I've worked on this Little Man and have created a little person who is becoming so much of his own person. 2. Something has clicked in Little Man recently and he has become more affectionate, more talkative and has much more personality. 3. Someone (Little Man) has learned eye rolls (his own version) and while immensely humourous....I do not look forward to the major attitude that could be coming in his tween and teenage years. 4. It's amazing the imagination of children and to see Little Man playing, singing, and dancing to his own imagination is just so wonderful. He couldn't/wouldn't do that 9/8/4 months ago.... 5. The more time I have this wonderful little man, the more I realize that I can never come back from this. I am going to be forever changed from this.

Back on March 1st, there was a court session.  This is typical as after the first 6 months of children being in care, you have to do a court hearing to see where it's going for the next several months. At the hearing on the 1st, the state and Little Man's GAL asked for termination.  As in terminating parental rights. On both parents. 6 months is a little early for this, in my experience. For Little Man's dad, I could see this as he's in jail, will be for quite awhile, and had walked out on his mom months ago. But Little Man's mom has been kinda working the case plan. I didn't attend as I assumed there would be a continuation for at least 4 months.  But, no...the judge was asked by mom's lawyer for a continuation and she gave them 28 days. March 29, I walked into the courtroom assuming they would be given another couple of months but the state submitted a petition for termination that morning and the judge granted it and set the date for termination tra

Here is what I have learned after being a foster parent for 210 days: 1. To see the change in Little Man, it truly is amazing how much he has grown: physically, emotionally and intellectually. 2. The struggles we seemed to have in the past make me laugh.  The struggles we have now seem so minor and petty.  I find my anger dimming and my ability to breathe through it, much easier. 3. Apparently Little Man has decided to go through the terrible 2's, horrible 3's and surly pre-teens in the last month. I get asked "why?" EVERY.GD.TIME I ask him to do something.  Or I get him dragging his feet if I make him move to a different location than he thinks he needs to be at.  And if that little a-hole didn't roll his eyes at me the other day, it was only because he doesn't have that kind of coordination yet. 4. Little Man has started talking.  Like real conversations.   He told me exactly what he wanted to eat - which he's never done. Just came up to me and s

So, the other night, I seemed to have a minor breakdown.  I would like to chalk this up to being tired or hearing news last night about the possibilities of Little Man's case going to termination but then the possibility of them not allowing the siblings to be split or I'm tired or who knows... I also think that I saw my kiddo through someone else's eyes last night and I realized just how big and mature he's gotten. And it makes me so proud of him.  He is talking.  He is asking questions. He is interacting with people.  It makes me so scared for him to because now, now he can learn to be afraid and hurt and mad. So with all of that in my brain, this popped out of me and I cried.  I'm afraid of the future and I'm afraid of the present because I truly hope that I'm doing right by him. There are some days where I don't get to see him other than to wake him and walk him to school and then push him in the door and to bed. Weekends are precious to me as

So, being in this new role means I see the foster system from a different perspective.  I know that I can't talk about my clients or other things I see, while in this role. But what I can say is that I see a side of humanity that distresses me and saddens me.  But I also see all the good work and extraordinary effort parents do to get their kids back. This means that I do see Little Man's bio mother in a different light. This does not mean that I understand her and her actions. I do not understand how she can do the bare minimum.  But I understand her limitations better. I found out that the judge has given bio mom 30 days to do more.  At the end of March, the judge is going to decide if she will move the plan to termination or give only 2 months extension.  This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Mostly, exciting because it's much sooner than I assumed it would happen (and I did assume it would go to termination and not reintegration). It's also terrify

I took a deep breath and decided to step outside my comfort zone and tried out for a chance to participate in Listen to you Mother .  This is a program that does several different stories written and performed by mothers of any type.  I was not chosen but I thought I would give you all my story.  This is what I gave to the director and I was pretty proud of what I had come up with. I am not a mother I have always had these dreams of having six boys. Ones that came home every Christmas with their families and their kids. I envisioned all these kids, running up and down the staircase, stockings by the fire and Pictionary in the evenings. My boys would be mama’s boys. They love their mom and they love their dad.   We sang in the kitchen.   We had snowball fights in the backyard.   We’d go on small vacations because 6 boys are expensive. But I am not a mother. I will never be a mother. When I found out I couldn't have kids. I told myself that I didn't actually want to

So, I know it's been awhile and while I have a ton of excuses, that's all they are...excuses. Little Man is doing wonderful. I've gotten him enrolled at a new after school day care program that I really like.  We've had a few bumps but that is to be expected. He has transitioned to that very well. I'm really happy with how well he did and how they are providing for him.  But can we just talk about how expensive daycare is? I'm lucky because KVC/DCF subsidies my daycare and I only have to pay the difference.  But I don't know how other families do it.  It's totally worth it to have my kid looked after but even the difference I pay is a lot per month to me as a single person. We officially hit the 6-month mark and I have to admit that it seems like he's always been here but then I also am amazed how much he has changed in 6 months.  He's getting bigger, he's getting a personality and sense of humor and his comfort level is immense. He sta

So, with all the changes we are going through, it's not just Little Man that is struggling. We've had to change our schedule for me.  I still get to take him to school but I have had to have others pick him up from school and I think I've found him an after school day care.  But it means more change.  I'm struggling to not be there for him after school.  I know it's all for the greater good. But I'm struggling to find a happy rythmn to our schedule.  It's only been a week and I have to remember that things will work out.  I know it's been hard on the two of us and we're both struggling to find that rythmn.  He really strives when there is structure.  We're getting there. My new job is good. I mean, it's super overwhelming and exhausting but it's good.  The insurance is great and it comes with vision and dental.  I don't know when it became so important to me that I have insurance. But the fact that I get paid, get overtime and get

It seems like every week, I'm asking Little Man where something is.  His answer in the past was just to shrug his shoulders but now it seems he's learned "lost it".... Today, I had to be in KC for training, which is normally only about an hour away.  Training was supposed to go until 4 pm.  My mom was going to get Little Man from school and keep him until I got home.  Along with all of this, we had our monthly visit scheduled.  So a lot to deal with on a good day. Well today, it decided to sleet, rain and snow.  So they sent us home early which is good...I wanted to get home.  Our monthly visit was cancelled and it took me almost 3 hours to get home.  I managed to get home in time to get Little Man from school.  And I saw the absolute joy on his face when he saw the snow. But as we started the trek home, I noticed he was shuffling and then I noticed, no shoelace in one shoe.  When I asked where it was - shrug and "lost it".  When I asked why...shrug.  

Here is what I have learned from being a foster mom for 140 days (5 months): 1. This little man that calls me mommy changes almost daily.  Just when I think I've figured out all his quirks, needs, wants and desires, he goes and changes/adapts/wishes for more.  It's exhausting but exhilarating at the same time! 2. For every meltdown we have, there are weeks worth of good times.  This ratio has changed drastically from when he was first placed with me. 3. Little Man is good with change, as long as I prepare him for it.  Not unlike many of us. But the time it takes to get him prepared is long and drawn out. The reverberations of this change is felt for days. 4. Giggles and full on belly laughter is not unusual anymore and that makes me absolutely overjoyed. 5. My Little Man wants nothing more than to be of service to me and others.  We all could learn a lot from him. With this 5 months comes some changes.  I found out recently that Little Man's bio mom will most l

Over Christmas break, I got a call from KU Med Center Childhood Development.  We had an appointment set for March but over break, I got a call that there had been a cancelation and could we come in.  YES!!! So, of course, the day of our appointment was a huge snow storm.  KU Med is an hour away on a good day.  This day, it took us over two hours. And I was totally stressed out. What happened was a total of an hour where they asked me about Little Man and "observed" him.  What I was expecting, was to have something definitive or something I can now assign to him. What I got was that he is NOT autistic.  He's social.  That's what ruled it out.  He makes eye contact, he talks to people, he loves people.  That is what ruled it out, the only thing that ruled it out. I guess, in order to be diagnosed with autism, you have to fill all three criteria.  I don't know what the three criteria are other than the social one. I'm kind of unhappy about it.  Not becaus

I realize that some days 5-year-olds have rough days.  Today was one of the roughest days so far, for Little Man. He woke up in a good mood, we went to school in a good mood.  For all intents and purposes, I thought he would have a good day - like every other school day. Around noon, I received an email from one of his teachers asking if something had happened over the weekend because he was being very disruptive. When I went to pick him up after school, I was pulled into the school and spoke to both of his teachers. He kicked one teacher, tackled another kid in assembly, yelled throughout the day, had to be removed from the assembly and was pretty much a complete a-hole to everyone around him. I made him apologize to the teacher and then we tried to talk about what happened.  Tried being the operative word. Trying to talk to Little Man is like talking into a canyon and getting your own echo back.  He will repeat the last word or two when you talk to him but never answers. I ca

Well, back in December, I left a job that was only part time. I loved it but wasn't exactly happy. And I also knew that in the future, I was going to need benefits that would cover myself but also a child that I hope to eventually adopt. This last week, I interviewed for and was offered a job.  What's interesting is that it's for the fostering agency I work with.  The same one that demanded I take this blog down.  The same one that I feel is failing Little Man. First, I am not a social worker.  I have zero desire to be a social worker.  What I will be doing is supporting social workers.  A lot of what they do is administrative.  I'll be doing that.  So I may attend case plannings, court appearances and even supervise visits between families. I do not think this is going to be an easy job as I am a foster parent.  I have a biased opinion. With that said, I am going to hope that being a foster parent helps me and the clients I'll be dealing with. But the big p